In shadows cast by whispered deceit
A fragile web of falsehoods complete
Mother’s words a twisted guide
In this world where truths collide
A child taught to dance with lies
To shield her secrets ‘neath disguise
In veils of untruth, she was to dwell
A tale spun where truth befell
Yet irony weaves its cruel design
For in deceit, love’s light did shine
Mother’s scorn for the lies she knew
A tangled web of falsehoods grew
Silent witness to the hidden game
A heart burdened but without blame
In the quiet, peace was sought
A daughter’s love, a heavy knot
So she walked in shadows deep
Where secrets lie, and memories keep
A whispered tale of truth untold
In a world where lies unfold
I have so much trauma to work through surrounding my mother. My biggest struggle, is that all I've ever done in life if what she taught me and told me to do, but at the same time told everyone I was lying and misbehaving. Behind closed doors was always a different scene. The struggle for me, is accepting the fact that I've been punished, over and over, my entire life, for doing what my mother wanted me to, for doing what I was taught was right. For taking the blame repeatedly and receiving those financial compensations, that also came with a price and/or consequence. I struggle so badly with this, and have so much shame and guilt. I know now, that the shame and guilt is something I feel, because that's how my mother made me feel when I didn't abide by her wishes. I also know my behaviors weren't within my control, but it doesn't make the guilt and shame go away.
Lying was such a common thing in my home. My mother told me to lie constantly. If she didn't outright tell me to lie, I would be gaslighted or offered an extravagant reward of some sort to comply. I watched my mother lie from a young age. I grew up thinking that was a normal part of life. In return, I did the same thing to my own child, because it's what I knew. My mother tells everyone I have to stop blaming her, but I can't and I won't. She says that because she can't get past her denial of the issues she's caused, the things she's done, and the things that have been done to her. I know, because I've been there too, with my own child. It's common, too common, for the perpetrator/abuser to tell the victim to "stop blaming" them.
It took everything I've gone through over the past six years, to realize lying is even wrong. Like, I didn't even know lying was not an okay thing to do. I never understood the difference between right and wrong, and consequences. I'm serious. Because at home, I was always rewarded in some way for being bad. So, I just became a bad person. I lied, cheated, and stole, (I can't even begin to recall the countless times I witnessed my mother steal or heard her talk about it, and often had to take the blame for it) because that's exactly what I was taught, and exactly what my mother taught me from a young age. Including covering up sexual abuse when I was younger. Because that would bring shame upon her and my family. That would mean she failed as a parent. That she did something wrong.
I don't lie anymore. I haven't for quite some time. That's because I know it's wrong now. Now I just work on myself and continue to make amends to the people I've hurt in my past with these behaviors. You can't know what you don't know. I didn't know it was wrong. It was my normal, what I was taught. It's what I was modeled. Life is so much better when you're honest. You get healthy connections and relationships, you become happy, and you find purpose and meaning to your life. The universe/God, seems to be very pleased with my changes. My life just keeps getting better. It will just always be a little bit broken, mostly because I miss my son so much.
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