Whispers of the Night
- Hannah L
- Mar 26
- 3 min read
In the quiet, shadows creep
Thoughts like whispers, secrets deep
Traumas echo, stress’s call
In the night, they rise and fall
Pills of peace, in hand they lie
Silent guardians, a lullaby
Turn the key, unlock the door
To dreams where pain can touch no more
Each night a battle, mind’s unrest
Seeking solace, seeking rest
Environment’s weight, heavy and cold
In the darkness, stories told
But with a pill, the storm subsides
In gentle waves, the mind abides
Sleep, a refuge, soft and kind
A place where peace is sure to find
I've learned that insomnia doesn't have the causes doctors think, at least not medical doctors. In my case, I was never going to overcome my insomnia and unhealthy sleep habits until I learned about my environment, received the correct diagnosis, and started processing and healing from my life. It wasn't a chemical causing the insomnia, but rather the monsters inside my home and my head, some monsters I wasn't even consciously aware of.
I've struggled with insomnia for most of my life. Taking many medications, consistently being told my "Bipolar" was out of control and I, "Must not be taking my meds because I'm not getting better." I wish one doctor would have said to me, "Hmmm. If you're not getting better, maybe we should examine other possible causes." I did have one doctor tell me I didn't need medication. But I quickly fired him as my doctor, since my mother and other doctors instilled the "Need" to be on medication for the rest of my life. I wish I were capable of hearing that doctor. I strive to be like him now, and educate my clients on how medication is a band aid; It only covers the problem temporarily while the wound heals. Same for mental health medication.
I've had to take sleeping pills for most of my life to fall asleep. Sometimes I was on so much medication that I'd be pissing myself at night, I'd sleep right through it. The doctors would respond to, "Well, at least you're sleeping..." Without the feeling of needing to fall asleep, it just wouldn't happen. The next morning I'd feel like I had been an a month long drinking binge, and unable to function, but, I also would not function without sleep. I'd often stay awake on purpose. Night was my solace, and if I stayed awake for a day or three, then I'd be tired enough to fall asleep. This too, was used as a reason that I was, "Manic," but again, no one decided to find an alternative reason I may be staying awake. There's just, "No way" it could be my mother, my environment, or so much build up trauma and abuse (other than my mother) by the age of 14, right? That just, "Doesn't happen" to families like mine.
I enjoy sleeping so much, still. The difference is I am tired naturally because I'm so busy during the day. I have processed and healed from what I can, and working to process and heal the rest. The only insomnia I struggle with now, is if the damn cat wakes me up by licking and clawing my face and I can't get back to sleep. HAHA. Pitch black, no noise, (unless I feel the need to listen to YouTube meditation, in that case, it's black screen and light talk)
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