Weaponized Love

In a world where love is currency

My mother wields her money as a blade

A weapon sharp, cutting with tenacity

Leaving wounds that never fade

Yearning to provide for my little one

A chance came with a check so grand

With Christmas here, the deed was done

Spent $2,000 as a loving hand

But whispers spread about my costly embrace

Accusations of trying to buy affection

Yet all I sought was a moment’s grace

To weave joy in a special connection

This cycle of giving that turns to scorn

Passed down through generations past

A legacy of love and pain worn

A script from which we’re typecast

So, let my gift stand as a testament true

Not of transactions but of love’s purest view

I’ve spoken about this before. My mother uses her money as a weapon. Her money, gifts, and “generosity” come with extreme conditions and consequences. I don’t think she ever has an intention of doing something just for the sake of doing so. I mean, I’ve seen her do it with other things; Letting someone’s debt go, paying for a man’s dinner while out to eat, sponsoring a child overseas, and I’m sure there’s others. However, for the people intimately involved in her life, in any way, there’s always a condition. The gift, whatever it is, is used as leverage at some point in the future. She will bring it up. She will let you know everything she’s done for you, how ungrateful you are, call you spoiled and entitled, and oh my gosh, will she ever gossip about it to anyone and everyone that will listen. She has a way of letting other people know that she’s everyone’s savior and no one appreciates her.

This behavior spread into my life as well. I used to do the same things to certain people. Again, not to the people that actually deserved it, but to the people that didn’t. It’s this twisted thing our subconscious minds do, to not have to look inward at our own insecurities, but to look at everyone else and be in denial about ourselves; about our wounded younger selves that only crave love and affection, and we are taught that buying people things is how we obtain it. So, when we don’t get the love and affection we desire, we resort to those tactics. This has been one of the hardest things for me to work through in therapy. Until recently, I was never in a position of buying things for the people I “love,” so that’s when I resorted to not so legal actions to make it happen. Because I was so desperate for love and connection, I was willing to do anything to get it, from the wrong people of course. Sound insane? I agree, but it’s not really a question of insanity. It’s a question of deep, emotional pain that we don’t understand. It's a question of the unhealthy things we learned from our caregivers.

If my mother were to send me a $50,000 check right now, I’d likely hang it on my fridge for a couple of weeks. I’d like to believe that I would end up tearing it up. Her money comes with conditions, and until she can snap out of denial and work on herself, I will never take another penny, gift, or anything from her. There is always a consequence, and it will be thrown back in my face someday.