Wasting Her Money

With questions of doubt, a voice so unkind

Whispers of unworthiness, echoes in my mind

“Not worth the money,” She said with a sigh

College not for you, a dream passing by

Doubts like daggers, piercing the heart

A belief in failure, tearing apart

“I’ll never achieve,” the thought heavy and grim

A self-fulfilling prophecy, a future dim

“Not smart enough,” the words sting deep

A wound of inadequacy, cutting steep

The dream of education, slipping away

With questions of doubt, where fears hold sway

But worth is not measured in dollars or degrees

In the strength of the heart, the will to believe

College may not be your chosen path

But worth is intrinsic, beyond any math

Believe in yourself, in the journey you tread

Not defined by the words that were said

You are worthy, you are enough

In the story of your life, you hold the stuff

I constantly hear through family members how my mother bitches about, "Having to pay for her grandsons college, because who else will do it?" I had to hear about how pissed off my mother was when she found out I got my bachelor's degree and, "Stole" my son's first generation college student scholarship. "Now I have to pay an extra $20,000 in his college tuition." Completely dismissing that I am a first generation college student.

My mother has told me, and everyone else that she will pay for my college. Yet, every time I brought up wanting to go, she declined to pay. She would tell me that I wouldn't succeed, that I wouldn't finish, and that it wasn't worth her money. Anytime I did enroll, she would say things like, "How are you going to pay for that? You'll never be able to repay those loans. Use your brain, (Name Removed)." It's like she never wanted me to better myself. She just wanted to be able to complain to everyone about how I was ruining her life, not using my potential, lazy and useless. It was always so confusing for me. You offer to pay for my college, berate and degrade me when I ask for money and enroll on my own, yet, you want to turn around and tell me I'm not doing anything with my life? I don't understand, do you?

Now, being in my master's program, this is where the lovely Imposter Syndrome takes hold of me. I'm constantly proving that I am smart enough through good grades and stellar reviews. But instead of admitting she was wrong, she just now says things like, "She's cheating, lying, manipulating," or, "Someone is doing the work for her." I will never be good enough, because I choose not to be her doormat and dumping ground for her problems ANY MORE. My core beliefs of never being good enough came from this woman. I work hard every day to prove MYSELF wrong, and change the way I think.

#CPTSD

#LEN