TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of gang rape
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In the Walmart parking lot, under the fluorescent glow
I waited for a friend, time moving slow
A black Mercedes pulled up, it’s presence stark
In an instant, my world turned dark
They grabbed my hair, yanked me inside
Three men, their intentions couldn’t hide
The ride was a blur, a disjointed scene
A nightmare unfolding, cruel and obscene
Tag teaming me, like a doll, no care
Their laughter echoed, a chilling affair
Threats followed, whispered and loud
Then they threw me out, discarded, cowed
I don’t recall how I made my way back
To my car, where safety lacked
The clock had ticked past shelter’s close
Punishing me further, adding to my woes
Late to the place I called my refuge
The shelter’s rules, harsh and huge
No call, no plea, could alter their stance
Kicked out, left to fate’s dark dance
I wandered the streets, my heart a stone
A hollow echo, feeling alone
Bruised in body, shattered in soul
Trying to grasp some semblance of control
How could I explain, to those who won’t hear?
The depth of the trauma, the root of my fear
Authority failed me, time and time again
A cycle of pain, no way to defend
Yet in the shadows, a flicker of light
A whisper of hope, igniting the night
Though the world seems harsh, and often unkind
I search for strength, in the corners of my mind
For I am a survivor, through every assault
My spirit endures, despite the tumult
Each wound a lesson, each scar a tale
Of resilience blooming, where others would fail
I will rise from this darkness, find my own way
Reclaiming my life, come what may
The shelter’s doors may close, but others will open
With every step forward, my strength outspoken
For in the heart of despair, courage is born
A warrior’s spirit, weathered and worn
I am more than a victim, I am the storm
Unyielding, enduring, in every form
So, I walk forward, despite the night
Holding onto hope, with all my might
In every challenge, I find my ground
In the symphony of survival, my voice resounds
I was living at my second, of three domestic violence shelters in Michigan. (Story will be told in a future series.) I had taken a friend about 45 minutes north for something she had to do. While my friend was in the store, I was literally drug out of my car's window by my hair and thrown into this black Mercedes with a car full of 4 men. These men were punching me, telling me everything they were going to do to me, telling me to shut up. I was called names like, "Bitch, whore, slut, hoe, stripper, white meat, nasty girl, you're going to make us rich," and more. The ride took less than 10 minutes. Two of the men carried me. One had my feet and the other had my head. They put me in this sort of sex chair and tied my legs to the bottom and my hands to the top. (Mind you, I don't have my purse, phone or keys, it's all still in my car, with the window down and a lit cigarette.) The chair had a hole in the bottom and on the back. While two of the men were setting up video equipment, the other two were taking my clothes off. I'm crying hysterically, being hit with each sob and told to, "Shut the Fuck up," with other derogatory names. Once my clothes were off, I could see what was about to happen.
All 4 men now have their clothes off. The video camera is set up and recording, I could see the red light. Some of it is a blur, but here's the gist; One man penetrated me through the hole on the bottom in a strange position, so that his penis was inside my vagina. Another man was behind me, and had penetrated my anus. Another man was rubbing his penis up and down through my breasts, and the other man was penetrating the man who was penetrating my anus. I was completely dissociated through the entire thing, and I cannot recall much about how I got back to my car, but I did. I was bruised, bleeding, and in excruciating pain, and no, I didn't report to anyone, especially the police. If you've read my past blogs, then you understand why. I wonder where this video is today...
Due to not having my phone, my friend had no idea where I was. She ended up finding a ride back to the domestic violence shelter that we both stayed at. She told the staff I abandoned her and disappeared for no reason. Something I had never done to her, always dependable and no one thought to check and see what was going on, or if I was okay, but whatever. So, I get back to the shelter, bruised and bleeding, and no, I didn't tell them either. But they sure did kick me out. I'm guessing they assumed that I had gotten into a fight or something. I was kicked out and homeless, back to sleeping and living out of my car. They wouldn't even let me come get my things. Some of you may be thinking "Why didn't she just tell them?" If you are, you must not have read my past posts, and you must not know what it's like to be rape victim, or in my case, a chronic rape victim. Their mind was made up anyway, they wouldn't have cared. By the way, this was winter in Michigan, and we were about to enter a deep freeze.
I have since surrounded myself with people that I don't fear for my life with. I have not been raped since this post. I have not been in a relationship since I left Wisconsin. I have not even started to think about dating until roughly a year ago. One of the many things I work through in therapy now, is the fact that I have never liked or enjoyed sex. I have simply been a tool for a man, even for the men that truly loved me. All I'd do is lay there, because that's exactly what I was taught. I want a connection/relationship, but I fear the sex part. I sort of feel like when it does happen, that it will feel like my first time. Knowing what I like, what I will and won't tolerate, sex positions, all of it. I know nothing other than, "Laying there and complying." Yes, I've had several different sex positions, but most of the time I was dissociating, even in committed relationships.
Does this all sound like a story straight out of some twisted horror or drama flick to you? Yeah, it does to me too. Maybe now you can understand why I often say, "It just doesn't seem real." While each detail may not be exact, All of these posts happened. All of these men either raped me, or manipulated me into saying yes. All of them just let me lay there while they did their thing. And when I find someone who loves me, I push them away, at least I did in the past.
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