In the shadows of despair, we danced our deadly waltz
Two broken souls entwined, bearing burdens vast
She spoke of dark intentions, of parting with this life
While I, in fragile pieces, sought respite from this strife
Her words cut deep, a twisted knife within my wounded heart
Yet still, I found myself apologizing for my own shattered part
Unable to fathom her cold indifference in my time of need
I questioned her motives, her callousness a cruel feed
I cared for her deeply, worried for her fragile state
While she, consumed by darkness, seemed to revel in her hate
Was it all a twisted game, a play of false pretense?
Or did she truly struggle, lost in her own defense?
As I grappled with my demons, she played her own dark role
A tragic symphony of pain, a twisted, tormented soul
I sought solace in her presence, a flawed and fragile hope
Yet found only emptiness, a bleak and barren scope
And so we lingered in this dance of death and despair
Two souls adrift in shadows, consumed by darkened air
I search for meaning in her cryptic, callous ways
Yet found only echoes of her cold and heartless gaze
In the end, I realized the truth of our tragic game
A dance of desperation, a spiral down in shame
She sought an exit from this life, while I struggled to survive
Yet in our twisted tango, neither found the will to thrive
So we parted ways, two broken pieces lost in time
Bound by threads of sorrow, tangled in our own dark rhyme
I sought a path to healing, a journey to embrace
While she, in her shadows, vanished without a trace
If you or someone you know are experiencing suicidal ideation or struggling with intense emotions and need some support, please click the button below to be connected with the suicide crisis line. #988
Just a few days after my suicide attempt, I asked my mother yet again to come home. Telling her I was having to sleep in my car, and had nowhere to go. Her answer, I'll never forget the tone in her voice - cold, mean, and forceful - "If you live with me, I'm going to kill myself." I cried, although she never did at the thought that her daughter almost succeeded in taking her life. Later that night I sent her a text and said, "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I know what that's like, and I don't want to hurt you." She did not respond.
This is one of those moments, that as I'm typing this, my heart rate is rising, my face is bright read and hot, I feel a panic attack coming on because I am triggered. While the panic attack will not come, I am able to notice it. People think you don't need to know why someone said something, why someone did something, or why something is happening, but knowing the why allows you to be self-aware of what's going on. Currently, I'm splashing cold water on my face to calm down. When I'm done typing this, I will utilize the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding method so I can stay present in my current moment. I'm experiencing this situation all over again, at the same time I'm typing. It's like I'm two places at one. Why? Because I was screaming for help, because the suicide attempt was only for, "Attention," so my feelings of wanting to die didn't matter to anyone. I had no one at that time. That was the darkest time of my life. The time I needed someone the most. To me, it shows me just how far my mother is willing to go to have everyone on her side, to never be wrong. I just want love, to be loved and to love. Time for some grounding!
So the picture you'll see here, these are the most painful words I've ever heard, of anything anyone has ever said to me: "If you live with my I'm going to kill myself." She wanted me to worry about her rather than my 3 decade long wish to die.
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