In a world of endless chatter and noise
I strive to drown out other’s voice
My sandwich cuts and my unique stride
Should bring no need to run and hide
Opinions abound on every turn
Yet, in my truths, I start to discern
Why should I bend to others’ will
When it’s my heart I’m meant to fill?
With each passing day, I seek my light
Paving a path that feels just right
For in the end, what truly rings true
Is finding joy in all that I do
So I let them talk, with words so slick
I’ll journey forward, unapologetically thick
In my quest for peace and inner glee
I’ll live this life, authentically me
For most of my life, my existence revolved around tending to those with harmful designs on me. I went to extreme lengths, at times behaving irrationally or even unlawfully, just to keep them content. I feared their departure from my life. My yearning for love and attention led me to seek validation from emotionally distant individuals with harmful intentions, mirroring the behaviors of my father and mother. I gravitated towards individuals like them, who could never be satisfied, regardless of my efforts. It felt as though I was in a perpetual cycle of trying to demonstrate to my parents that I deserved love and respect. In this pursuit, I unintentionally, and sometimes intentionally caused pain to those who truly cherished and supported me.
I have prioritized the needs and desires of individuals who showed little regard for me. In my journey toward healing, I found myself seeking approval from everyone, regardless of whether they were beneficial or detrimental to my well-being, although, I have ceased resorting to illegal or extreme methods to do so.
I have always had the impression that everyone around me was constantly gossiping and passing judgment on my every action, and here is the reason why: My mother would not only criticize but also use derogatory terms like, “stupid, dumbass,” when commenting on the simplest things like how I tie my shoes, how I cut my sandwich, how I cut my vegetables, how I speak, the colors I like, the music I listen to, the way I braid my hair, how I clean, how I sleep, how I walk, etc. Everything. There was nothing too small for her to behave this way towards me. She would constantly yell and scream about how unintelligent I was, proceeding to do it herself, (yes, tying my shoes at 15 or cutting my sandwich for me at 25) while aggressively using phrases like “You are incapable of surviving without me; I have to handle everything for you, you can’t get anything right, how did I raise such a fucking moron?” The insults are literally endless, and as I heal, as I write these poems, post my stories and songs, I remember more. My memories are flooding back, and they are not pleasant, but I am able to process them, in this way.
During my healing journey, I encountered numerous additional traumatic experiences, largely stemming from my people-pleasing tendencies. I have since shed this behavior. I have embraced setting firm boundaries, mastering the art of saying no, embracing vulnerability, pursuing my dreams and passions even in the face of criticism and judgment. I have shifted my focus to prioritizing myself, my desires, and my needs, and I refuse to apologize for doing so as long as I am not causing harm to others.
I came across a podcast hosted by a younger woman that has been incredibly enlightening. It has taught me the importance of not only breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies but also of letting go of concerns about others’ opinions of me. I am now focusing on pursuing my own interests and desires, rather than conforming to external expectations.
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