Toxic Friend

In the shadows of our friendship’s strife

Where trust was shattered, pain was rife

I pen these words, emotions untamed

For (Name Kept Private), and old friend, now unnamed

You hurt me, time and time again

Used my kindness, my trust, my pain

A pretense of friendship, a bitter charade

Yet I stood by, lost in the masquerade

Desperation led me down a darkened path

And you, my friend, ignited that wrath

Drugs consumed me, a spiral unkind

Surprised, you feigned, as addiction entwined

You spread rumors, painting me as flawed

But your stepdaughter’s truth, unmasked, awed

I lied for you, shielded you from blame

In court, I fought to save your tainted name

What did you offer, other than disdain

Mocking my music, my style, my grain

You disregarded my essence, my worth

Manipulating power, controlling since birth

Respect and value, foreign to your heart

You used me as a pawn, playing your part

But now, I break free from your twisted game

Finding strength to heal, to reclaim my name

(Name Kept Private), old friend, our bond now severed

I release the pain, the wounds untethered

May you find clarity, learn from this strife

And may I find solace, a renewed sense of life

I had this friend I latched on to, a friend that was quite like my mother. In the sense of how I was treated. Yet, I chose her over the friends that were good to me, much like my romantic partners. I could explain every story, every incident, every pain and emotion here, but this is a “friendship” from my past that I have fully processed and don’t feel the need to share every detail. What I will say, is that I did whatever I could to please her, to keep her as a friend, to make her happy, to gain her love and acceptance, while pushing away the people that genuinely cared for and loved me. When I think of this “friend” this is what I think; I self sacrificed myself for her acceptance. I allowed her to use and discard me for the sake of not being lonely and not feeling abandoned.

Just one thing I want to explain from the poem, though:

She introduced me a certain substance that she was using to lose weight. I used with her, twice. She would later tell everyone that I brought drugs into her house. She worked at a job that if she makes a simple mistake, could end up in prison. Yet, here she is, doing lines while working at home, gaining praise for her "hard work" and determination to lose weight, working with medical records and HIPPA. Her and her now husband, (I think they’re still married) had the drug in their house consistently. She would tell me how they utilize the dark web to buy it. But I’m an easy target. So with this “friend,” I received the blame every single time. She even convinced me to tell her step-daughter that the drugs she found were mine. They weren’t, but the picture was being painted. She had messaged me asking me to take the fall for her, that her stepdaughter found a bag in their house and she suspected her father had relapsed. Being in my vulnerable state, already living in a new state, fresh out of a suicide attempt and living in a domestic violence shelter, I complied. This would be the last time I ever covered for her.

#CPTSD

#Worth

#Drugs

#Addiction