TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of sexual assault
If you are experiencing sexual assault, or have experienced sexual assault, please click the link below to be connected to the National Sexual Assault Hotline. Here, you fill find support, guidance, and help.
This is an organization that partners with RAINN
If you are struggling to cope with your emotions, please click the link below to be connected with the crisis text line.
In the shadows of the past, a memory lurks
Of betrayal and pain, where darkness works
A threat with a rock, a loss profound
Innocence shattered, silence bound
Promises whispered, secrets to keep
Innocence stolen, buried deep
Words sharp as knives, cutting through
A fragile soul, tainted and blue
Years have passed, yet scars remain
Etched on the heart like an endless chain
A daughter there, a different role
Does guilt haunt you, does remorse console?
Silenced voices, echoes of fear
Echo through time, painfully clear
But strength lies in the telling of truth
In breaking free from the shackles of youth
May healing find its way to you
In the gentle embrace of the new
May light pierce through the shadows old
And warmth replace the bitter cold
Remember, you are not alone
Your story matters, your voice a tone
To speak your truth, to set it free
Is a step towards the you, you’re meant to be
When I was in second grade, I was at my babysitters house after school. For most of my life what I remembered about this event, based on my brain blocking out trauma and what the babysitter and my mother told me, was that I threw a large rock in the air, and I felt (Yes, I was told how I felt) like it took a long time for it to come back down. I looked up, and it smacked me in the face, knocking out my two front teeth. Unfortunately for me, my permanent teeth had just grown back in. I remember running and crying, and my babysitters daughter's daughter and one of her son's (she had two sons and one daughter at the time) running after me. My mother's uncle was a dentist, and for a discounted price bonded my teeth. I remember trying to eat spaghetti the night of the event. The tomato sauce made it feel like my gums were on fire. I had nerve endings hanging from the top of my mouth. To this day, they are still bonded. Since I'm strapped for cash, I'm just waiting for the day that I lose them, because I cannot afford the expensive, permanent ones.
What happened before this unique event? I was in the basement with one of my babysitters sons. I remember him saying, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." He pulled down his pants, then I pulled down my pants. What I remembered for most of my life, was nothing after this. Once again, healing brings misery before you get better. It opens of the parts of your brain that tried to protect you from trauma. Her son started touching my private area. Caressing it in a way that felt good, and was familiar to that of what my father did to me. He took off all his clothes, took off my clothes. He started putting his finer in my private area, put his mouth on my private area, forced me to put his penis in my mouth, and then he penetrated me. Once again, I'm laying still, feeling pleasure and fear at the same time. He had his hand over my mouth and told me not to scream. He told me he loved me, just as my father did.
Going back to the rock situation, when the sexual assault was over, I ran as fast as I could screaming, "I'm going to tell my mom." The boy came after me with this very large rock in his hand, and he told me if I told my mom that he's going to hurt me with the rock. I still ran, screaming I'm going to tell my mom. He threw the rock and it hit my face. The story that was told to his mom, came from him. He now has children, at least one of them is a daughter. I makes me wonder if he remembers what he did to me. It makes me wonder if he feels any guilt for what he did. It makes me wonder if he's doing the same to her. It makes me wonder how many times he did this to me.
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