The Process

In these envelopes, I find release

A way to heal and find some peace

Each one holds a different part

Of my trauma, my broken heart

The first one holds the memory of home

The warmth, the love, the familiar tone

I write of laughter and shared embrace

In this envelope, I find a safe space

The second holds the people I trusted

Those who hurt me, those who disgusted

I write of pain and betrayal so deep

And with each word, I begin to see

The third holds the creatures of nature

The trees, the birds, the running water

I write of their beauty, their simple grace

And feel a connection to a different place

The process is long, each envelope filled

With moments of joy, and moments so chilled

But as I write, and release my pain

I start to see, I can heal again

And as I type and share my words

I feel a sense of being heard

Each person, place, and creature deer

I find a way to heal and clear

For in these envelopes, I find a way

To work through trauma, day by day

And as I write, and share my pain

I start to heal, and feel whole gain

What works for one person may not work for another. That includes medications, treatments, behavioral approaches, relationship advice, anything, really. I've found a way to process my trauma in ways that other's may find silly or stupid. It works for me, and it is really quite the process.

It starts with a thought or emotion. Most of the time I am not able to write a poem immediately. So, I will email myself a little reminder of the emotion so that I can deal with it later. I check my email every day. I will start with the first one in. Currently, I have over 250 emails just from myself. Sometimes they are just one word. Sometimes it's a sentence or, add joke, etc. From there, I write a poem based on the email with a traditional pen and paper. I often cry, get upset, or laugh during this time. Then, I type it on the computer. I save the poem to a folder called, "Pain into poetry." So that I can always have access to them if I want or need them for something. The next step, is to put the printed poem into a folder. These folders are marked with names, places, organizations, people, etc. After that, I come here, to type the blog. Now, I'm currently over 4 months scheduled in advance with this blog. That's because I'm about to start my internship, have a job, a life, hobbies, and I need relaxation time, too.

When I have free time, I go through the folders, organize the poems by date. (Because each poem is dated the day I wrote it) These papers then go into a binder that holds the poems. Why do I keep them? They're like my emotions, my healing process and more. However, I have slowly started to shred some of them. I've currently got the folder for my ex ready to be thrown into a bonfire. Just waiting for a friend of mine to throw a party. By party, I mean we sit by the fire, drink our water, dance, and laugh, a lot... I did this with my mother. I tossed everything I made for her, every gift I had for her, every video I made for her, anything at all into that fire. I can't bring myself to toss the poetry yet, but I'll get there. The discarding of the poems is the most releasing part, but I need to be fully ready to do so.

These are the kids of things that I grew up being told were crazy, used as reasons that I'm off my meds. I've written poetry a lot in the past, and I believe it was helpful as a teenager too. But constantly being told I'm wasting my time on a talent I don't have, I stopped writing the poetry around 16 years old, and didn't start back up until a couple years ago, at around 36 years old. This is how I heal, and if you know me personally, you've likely seen the largest amount of change and growth since I started this blog. I get to share my story finally, and heal from all the baggage. :)

#Process

#Healing

#Growth #Change

#CPTSD