In the season of joy and cheer
Grandpa tried to share, to draw near
To speak the truth of progress made
Yet lies and deceit cast a shade
Mother’s words twisted, a tale spun
Blaming me for what had begun
Telling the courts of words unsaid
Painting a picture of dread
At Christmas, a time of light and glee
My son’s innocence marred, not free
No positive words allowed to reach
A mother’s hold, a lesson to teach
Lies woven in moments of wrong
A fabric of deceit, a falsehood strong
Blocking the truth, distorting the view
A mother’s love, tainted and askew
But in the darkness, a spark of light
Truth will shine, dispelling the blight
May honesty prevail, in the end
To mend the wounds, to truly mend
My Grandpa loves everyone unconditionally. That means his daughter, my mother as well. He had good intentions a few years back, of trying to tell my son and my mother how things were getting better, and that they were not as they seem. My mother will never "believe" it, because that would mean she did something wrong. Her image needs to be protected at all costs. So, over the years, she'd get defensive, angry, and threaten to leave if he even mentions my name.
Six years ago when my mother and son were in town for Christmas, my grandpa sat next to my son and tried to tell him that I'm not bipolar, and that I'm working hard to change my life around. None of which, is a lie. He was trying to help me, because he's watched me suffer, missing my son for six years now, and he wants nothing more than his family to be put back together.
Fast forward to the following year. I initiated a contempt order and filed to enforce my visitation with my then minor son. (Which the courts never did, but that's for another post) During the mediation process, my son's attorney was telling me about an "incident" around Christmas. My mother told the courts that I encouraged my grandfather to talk to my son alone. (I did not. I had no idea he did this until that moment.) I don't know everything that was said, but I was told that my grandpa "ruined" my son's Christmas. That incident was used against me. Claiming I was manipulating my grandfather to get to my son. She spoke with force and concern as she referenced this "incident." From experience with my mother, when things like that happened, she'd bitch about it the entire six hour drive home. She wouldn't just bitch about it though. She'd say things like, "They forced you to sit and listen and you didn't even want to hear it. That person is lying and I can't believe they went through your grandpa to do it. They know your grandpa will do anything for anyone. She's using him and she's using all of us. I know you never want to speak to that person again." (See the gaslighting here?) In fact, I've heard those same words from other family members that have spoken to my mother over the years. I need to stop using people, taking from people and being so selfish. Etc... My son is living in the same environment with different circumstances.
As I'm typing this, I my heart rate is rising, my face is getting warm, I'm panicking a little and I'm upset. I know that I am triggered, but I'm able to notice it so that I don't fall into a flashback. As I'm typing this, I'm working through it. I'm processing what's happened and trying to gain radical acceptance that things are the way they are at the moment. Historically in these posts, I will feel better once this is scheduled to post. This one may require a little more work because it's not just about what's been done to me, it's about what's being done to my son, and her being the reason for the continued separation. Again, I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong, I did, a lot... I'm saying I'm still being punished for being the person she taught me to be and molded me into. I feel like I became the bad person she's been telling me I was since I was a kid, and even that's not good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. That's hard to live with and accept.
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