TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of suicide and after life/Near death experience
Day Seven
In the stillness of the hospital room, I lay
Lifeless body on the bed, floating far away
Doctors and nurses, a flurry of motion and sound
Trying to save me, as I drift around
Seconds felt like years, in this suspended state
Unaware of my fate, as I patiently wait
Awakening to a truth that cuts like a knife
Second hospital, suicide attempt – a new strife
My heart paused for moments, a mere three
A glimpse of mortality, a chance to see
Clothes lost in the chaos of a life saved
Emotions swirling, like a tempest not braved
Through the haze of it all, a rebirth anew
Grasping the gravity of what I must do
To cherish each moment, each breath with delight
A second chance at life, a beacon of light
If you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm, please reach out to the crisis text line. You can text #988, or you can follow this link.
For what felt like ten years, I watched my lifeless body being worked on from the corner of the hospital room. I felt as if I were a cloud. I knew who I was, but I was watching myself. Watching the doctors perform CPR, put their paddles on my heart to start it, the rush, the noises, the smells, everything. All of a sudden I start to float upwards. Looking down, I was able to see the world slowly fade away. I saw the top of the hospital building, then the city, then the earth, and now I'm in the sky, floating high. I saw the gates, it's beauty and magical essence. But, I didn't stop at the gate, I floated above it. There were lights dancing, pleasant smells, and visually beautiful colors that I can't explain. It was peaceful. I remember feeling like I was smiling, although, I did not have a face. There was no worry, no anxiety, just a sense of belonging.
A voice came out of nowhere and said, "Hello, dear child." Again, there was no face, not a human, but a sense of connection and love. It's so hard to explain. The simplest terms I can put this in is it was Jesus. I was being hugged, but there was no physical touch. The voice kept telling me it was not my time, that I had work yet to do, and that everything is going to be okay. Almost like a father consoling his daughter who had just been through something traumatic. "You are loved. You are special. You didn't go through the gates because it's not your time, but you will one day walk through those gates. You have so much left to do."
When I consciously woke up, I was informed of everything that had happened. I had zero recollection of what I'd done, or where I was. I was informed that this was the second hospital. As my heart had stopped for three seconds, the ambulance did not know which hospital to take me to. I received emergency care somewhere else. There was an aid there, paid to watch me on "Suicide watch."
My ex-fiancé did visit me once in the hospital, but not for concern; only to grab the mail keys. However, as he was up in my room, with the aid on "Suicide watch," he started screaming at me and calling me names. This went on for about an hour. The aid did nothing. She called no one, and let it continue. As he started to walk away, I got up to run after him. She didn't stop me, and she didn't call anyone. Looking back, I can't even believe this. Fresh out of a suicide attempt, and the suicide watch aid, allowed this treatment to continue. Still, no one noticing the patterns and behaviors. Just allowing the abuse and despair to continue. He's the one who pushed me to go ahead with my plans, and they allowed him to verbally abuse me?
When it was time for me to be discharged, the hospital could not locate my clothes. They looked all over for them. Took them about two hours until they decided to call the first hospital. That's when they found out they had to cut my shirt to jumpstart my heart, and I had soiled my pants and underwear. Like, how disorganized!
I could of course, expand into more detail, but for the purpose of time, I've shortened it with the most important memories/events.
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