The ghost of youth, it haunts me still
When I saw you, it gave me a thrill
Decades of silence, but the feelings remain
Just like they did when we were young and vain
I’m too scared to ask, am I just insane?
Do you feel it too, or is it all in vain?
The signs say no, but my heart says yes
I wanted to kiss you, but I must confess
I’m afraid of the depths of your embrace
It takes my breath away, puts me in a daze
I can’t let you go, but I fear you won’t stay
I’m lost in this turmoil, don’t know how to sway
How do I move forward, when you likely don’t feel the same?
I’m stuck in this limbo, caught in the game
I want to hold onto hope and cling to the past
But in the end I know, that he’ll never be reattached
I met a boy when I was 17. He was 19. We met where we worked. I was seeing someone else, but there was something about him. As any confused 17 year old girl who was living through such trauma and despair without consciously knowing it would do, I sabotaged it. By being too needy, by demanding all of his attention and not trusting him without me around. He called me beautiful constantly. He told me and showed me how much he loved me consistently. When he didn't know what to do, he would buy me something. These were thoughtful gifts, like, deeply thoughtful. The downfall of our relationship was my fault. I had a good thing, so I had to ruin it, because I didn't deserve it. When he ended things, I couldn't cope. I found myself in the basement often, crying, hysterically crying. I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, and I couldn't speak. At this point in my life, this was by far the worst emotional pain I had ever experienced. I dropped down to an extremely unhealthy weight. I can feel it now; my heart breaking into a million pieces. I knew I screwed up.
I ended up getting pregnant by my rebound, at 18. My son's father and I split up when my son was just two weeks old. I remember vividly sitting at this specific park while pregnant and dating my son's father. I was around 5 months pregnant. I was bawling. Thinking of my ex, and wishing this baby were his. Sitting in the same spot we first said I love you, the spot where we spent most of our time. The spot that really defined us, and what we were to each other. I couldn't shake him from my mind, and I still can't.
I found myself with an infant now, and got the bright idea to make a mixed CD for my ex. I remember where I was; at my friends house, downloading song after song on Limewire and adding them to the CD. I don't remember how I got it to him, but I did. He reached out not long after that. Sure enough, we ended up back together. Those feelings rushed back. I was in love again, happy, and smiling. However, deep inside, I would still be dealing with so much turmoil, that it would once again ruin things. I got pregnant again, and quite a few times actually. I never did have another child, though. Basically, my tactics of not wanting him to leave heightened. They were not healthy tactics. They were coming from fear of him leaving. I lied a lot, made up stories, did some crazy stuff, anything I could think of, anything I could remember from my mother and how she handled those situations, just to get him to stay. Rightfully so, he ended up leaving again. Let me tell you, I really screwed it up the second time. Not many people give someone a second chance after all that. He helped me raise my son. He paid all the bills. He showed up, consistently. We lived together and everything.
Over the next 18 years, I would never fully be able to get over him. I would randomly send him an email, a text, or a letter in the mail, basically to let him know I was thinking of him. These letters stopped for a few years, but I never did shake him. There are many dates I passed up, because of this false hope that we could someday end up together. Then I met my ex-fiancé. This was a volatile situation, but again, it's all I thought I deserved. Like my mother, he called me vulgar names on a consistent basis. He isolated me from my support system. He spit on me, slapped me, punched me, kicked, me, beat me. But I stayed. I had nowhere else to go. I lied to everyone about how good things were going, so when it came time to having to leave, no one believed what I had to say. Yet, I still said yes, when he asked me to marry him. I finally had the ring. I was finally going to have a husband, but I still couldn't stop thinking about my ex. In fact, I emailed him again. I don't know if he ever received the email and I don't remember what I said, but the following video is what I sent.
Here's the thing, I sent this to him, because I wanted him to know that I thought about him, and I wanted him to know that I was doing good, even though he likely never thought about me. But deep down inside I was screaming. Wanting this to so badly be him. Remembering the way I felt with him. How good he was to me, and to my son. Wanting that connection with him again. Deep down, I wanted him to respond, and give me a reason not to get married to this man that clearly hates women. (I didn't marry him, by the way) This is a time in my life where things start to get a little blurry, so I don't think I ever got a response, but I'm not quite sure. I was miserable. I was allowing this nightmare of a man to beat me, to break me down emotionally, to take whatever shred of respect I had for myself and break it down into a gazillion pieces, and taking each hit as gracefully as I could, because, you guessed it, I didn't feel like I deserved any better. Yet, when it came to my ex, I sabotaged at every corner. I pushed it away because it was real love, because I didn't deserve the love he was giving me, because being treated that way was foreign to me. "
Fast forward a few more years; I had attempted suicide, lost everything and everyone I loved, was homeless, living out of my car, moved back to my home state to be safe from my ex-fiancé, and even lived in a domestic violence shelter for a few months. It was 2020, and it was just a month into the lockdown when I wrote him a letter, yet again. I had started my journey of healing at this point, and had a place to live, but the letter clearly came a little too early. I apologized, tried to explain the best I could, and shared with him a concert I went to: Garth Brooks. Our song, was a Garth Brooks song, "Shameless." He used to sing that song to me, when we were alone, in a bar at Karaoke where he got on his knee (I thought he was going to propose at that moment, lol), lots of places. I shared what a good time it was, and sent a picture with everyone's phones lit up during a song. (The equivalent of the lighters or matches during a mushy song) and I wrote, "Can you guess the song?" Knowing he would know. I didn't hear back from him, but later I would find out that he attempted to find me on Facebook. (I had shut down my Facebook for a year during that time.)
So here I am, chugging along through life. Working through my trauma's, knowing I'm insane to keep thinking of him so often. Knowing it's never going to happen, but still holding onto hope. Because, you know, I am shameless... But I have a life to live, finally, right?
Fast forward again, to August, 2023. I'm about to fall asleep, and I check my phone one last time before bed. Can you guess who reached out? Yup. My ex. The one I could never shake off my mind. I read it, and my heart jumped. It literally like flew out the window. But I've learned a lot, and I decided I wasn't going to even open it yet. I needed to talk to a friend that knew us both. I needed advice, and I needed to think about it. I also didn't want to scare him away. Eventually I replied with, "Hello old friend." We've been messaging back and forth ever since, although, the conversation has been dwindling a lot, especially since I met up with him. Yup. Let me tell you how that conspired, and what led me to this post right here.
I rented a car to go meet my sister. The state he lives in was added to the list for the packages and, well, him... I reached out and told him I was going to be in town, and said, "I'd love to have a coffee or something with you." So as I'm sitting in the parking lot of the coffee shop, an hour early with my laptop, because I love writing at coffee shops anyway, I start to panic. This is the guy. The one that's never left my mind. How am I going to feel? How is this going to go? Keeping an open mind of hey, maybe things will go well and who knows, but also like, this could provide great closure, and I can finally move on. But of course, I'm chicken shit, and was not able to voice any of that to him. I had a friend on standby. The same friend that knows us both well, knows the story of us, and knows me, and she was worried that I would revert back into my old self, so she made herself available to me that entire trip. (If you're reading this, I love you, friend!) I was shaking, my heart was racing. Then I sat down, grabbed my coffee, and opened up my laptop. Every person that walked through the door, I looked up. Hardly able to do my homework. (Somehow still got an A!) Thinking, this is probably just casual to him, but for me, like, this was a long time coming. He walked through the door, and my heart sank. I felt that smile again. Just like I used to when we were together and he'd message me, walk through my door and/or call me. I was 17 again. I was nervous. Like, shaky nervous. So nervous that he even mentioned it. I actually had to say to him, "Distract me. Tell me something. I'll be okay in a few minutes." Well, it took like an hour, but I got there.
We talked for a while. I mentioned that I didn't want to say goodbye, but that I didn't want to stay where we were. (He took the day off of work for this, by the way) We decided on going to the zoo. Where I had the most fun I've had with anyone, since him. It was different for me, because I have no problem being myself nowadays. I'm not trying to impress him, but I'm having so much fun. He's joking with me, I'm joking with him, I'm laughing, he's laughing. The zoo there is free. There was next to no one there either, which made it even better. He reminded me that we used to go to the zoo a lot, because it's free. Something I honestly don't even remember. So we're done with the zoo, and I ask him if he'd like to do anything else or if he wanted to say good bye. So we decided to go out to eat. (I should mention he has two kids now, so time was limited since he is a full time dad) More conversation, more laughs, and when trying to pay the bill, he took it from me to pay it. After being super alarmed at the price for two people. Apparently he's not been on a date in a while, so he didn't know how much going out to eat costs. So we hugged when we met up at the coffee shop and we hugged twice when we left. He had to get his kids from school. I thought I felt a connection, a spark, and I was confident he did too. However, it's clear to me, now, that it was not for him, what it was for me.
That night, I ended up back at the park. That park that always meant so much to me, and to him, at the time at least. At this point, we'd only been communicating through messenger. I text a picture of where I was, told him I had a good time, and that I was reminiscing. I know his number. Not sure I'll ever forget it with how many times I've called it when we were dating. I never did get a response. I did however, on my drive home, bawl my eyes out. In my defense, there were so many emotions on this 12 day trip. Meeting my sister, working on the healing stuff with all the packages, and of course, seeing him. After driving for about an hour and a half I felt the need to write him yet another letter. A letter that shared my feelings, filled him in on the fact that I never got my closure, etc. I sent it out, and regret it this moment and have regretted for a few days now. So much, that I also felt the need to message him on messenger, let him know that letter was coming, with an explanation, and yet another apology. That's when he told me he had a good time, that he bought me this special sweet pea lotion, but forgot to bring it. (He clearly remembers the things I like) The fact that he bought that specific scent, let me know he at least thinks pleasantly of me. I told him I was embarrassed, and he told me not to be. That's when I really let it out. I flat out told him almost everything here. That I couldn't shake him out of my head for the past 18 years, and that I never fully got over him. Also, that I reverted back to that 17 year old girl that has a crush on a boy and wants to throw plastic cups at his head to let him know. (Long story, not explaining!) It's been three days and I haven't heard back, and that's okay. I'm not complaining or anything. Really, I just feel stupid and crazy, and my friend was right to be worried. I did revert. I reverted back to that teenage girl suffering with unknown issues and unable to control her emotions. I reverted back to that girl in love with a boy.
I'm still embarrassed as I write this, but I have changed. I've just been going for more walks, listening to more motivational podcasts, and writing more than ever to process all of this, and working towards getting rid of these feelings, and fully getting over this man. I don't blame him for thinking I'm insane over all this. I mean, that's all he ever really experienced from me while we were dating anyway. And I can't blame myself, either. I just started to love myself, know that I deserve to be treated well in a relationship. I have goals, dreams, and aspirations, and while a part of me was open to maybe, someday, slowly starting again with him, I was also open to closure. I care about him, and I always will. He gave me refuge during difficult times. But after 7 years now of being single, working through my issues, and especially after fully recovering from my last, abusive relationship, I'm ready to date. I'm happy and content, but I want someone in my life. Let me be clear, I don't need anyone, I want someone. I'm ready to go find that again. So here starts the work of making that possible, so that my full attention can be given to the next person. However, I know that I'll be looking for similar qualities in the next one, to that of my ex. I'll hold on to the good memories, to the moments I felt love with him, so that I'll know when I see it in the next guy.
These types of things, not understanding love, worth, and hanging on to the past so long, are just one of the millions of things that can happen to someone who's been through everything I've been through in my life. I have to be patient with myself, and allow myself to feel what I'm feeling, so that I can move on. At this moment, there's still a shred of hope, but I know it's not an attainable hope, and I'm ready to be in love again. A healthy love. A reciprocated love.
Below is my song with my ex. As a part of my exposure therapy, I listened to this song, while sitting at the park. It wasn't pleasant, but I allowed myself to feel. I'll listen to it again after this is posted. There were actually five years post this ex, that I couldn't listen to Garth Brooks at all, without emotional pain.
The following photos were taken by me. :)
The Park
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