TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of suicidal thoughts and behaviors
Day Two
In a world of darkness, I once dwelled
At eleven, I pondered the final farewell
Told of flames and a torturous hell
Afraid to end it, my thoughts would swell
Through sixteen and on, the thoughts did grow
Like a relentless, never-ceasing flow
Until at thirty-five, with a heart-heavy and low
The weight of my pain, a formidable foe
Small insignificant, and without worth
I bore the burden since my day of birth
Yet now, for four years, I’ve known a rebirth
Free from the darkness that once scoured the earth
No more do the thoughts of endings arise
No more do they haunt, no more disguised
I’ve found my peace, amidst dark skies
A newfound strength within me lies
If you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm, please reach out to the crisis text line. You can text #988, or you can follow this link.
When I was a child, I remember wondering deeply what it would be like to die. I used to ponder the afterlife being better than this one. My mother drilled in me consistently, that people who commit suicide go to hell. I believe the fear of spending my life burning in fires is what kept me from actually thinking of doing it.
As my life continued to be more chaotic, my thoughts of wanting to erase myself from this life only grew, and they would continue to grow until I was about 35 years old. By sixteen, I started feeling like I was living in actual hell, and that I would rather burn for eternity than live this life anymore. I would be too scared though. Scared of the pain, of how to properly do it, and of surviving and having to explain to my mother why I continued to ruin her life, which would later prove to be true when I did attempt to end my life.
There would be a day that I decided I had enough, and attempted to take my life. That day would be living with my ex-fiancé. My heart would stop for 3 seconds, but that post is coming...
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