In shadows cast by love gone by
I’ve held on tight, without a sigh
Two decades strong, the bond held fast
Yet now I see it wasn’t meant to last
Thoughts of you consumed my mind
In hopes that our hearts were intertwined
But silence met my heart felt plea
No closure given, just emptiness for me
Did you keep me close for selfish gain?
To boost your ego, feed off my pain?
Am I just a backup plan to you
A safety net when your skies turn blue?
The image shattered; my illusions torn
You’re not the one I thought was born
I’ll set myself free from this tangled web
No longer trapped by words left unsaid
So, farewell to the one I thought I knew
I’ll find my peace in starting anew
No longer stuck in this toxic game
I’ll walk away, no longer the same
(Written 04/01/2024) Grief is such a weird thing. I’m feeling a bit angry but also a bit confident and closed off today, regarding this ex of mine. I don’t know how many days it’s been since he responded, but there’s still no response. Yesterday I deleted the message thread completely off Facebook. Not him, I didn’t unfriend him or anything, but every time I had to use messenger, I’d noticed he still hasn’t “opened” it. Not seeing it is helpful, and I don’t want to remove him, because while I need to fully process everything, I will always care about him, and want him to be happy. We clearly both have good and bad memories, and clearly both of us want to remember the good things. However, I’m angry today, and feeling as if it were never real, even though it was so long ago. I don’t understand how someone can’t take 3 seconds to reply to giving me the closure that could’ve prevented all these extra feelings. That lets me know he’s not the one, that my feelings are lingering from past trauma and grief of how I treated him and everything that happened. I can never blame him for his reservations because of those reasons, but I can blame him and be upset with him for knowing I’ve been stuck all these years and not making it easy for me to let go.
Now, however, I’m guarded, and my walls are completely up, and I feel sorry for the next guy that comes along, because they’re going to have some major walls to break down. Walls I should’ve put up about 15 years ago… I was on the dating app, “Hinge.” Talking with a few guys and going on dates. Most men want children, which I can’t give them, so they quickly ended. However, while I was messaging another guy last night, I realized how much we had in common. I was starting to smile. Then I realized that I need to fully move on from my ex first, because jumping from one relationship to the next never solves anything, even if it has been close to two decades, I am not fully over him. And even though my ex and I ended things many years ago, still being hung up on the “what ifs” would not be fair to the next person. It wouldn’t be genuine. I couldn’t say for sure that I was fully over my ex before getting in a new relationship. So, I deleted the app. I’m just going to work on pursuing my goals and dreams.
Here's to letting go, finally. I never, EVER, want to feel this way again. I never want to be hurt like this again. Not his fault, mine, but I cannot go through a heartbreak like this, with someone I thought I’d have my forever with.
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