She Saw the Signs
- Hannah L
- Nov 9, 2024
- 3 min read
Trigger Warning: Mention of child sexual abuse and sexual behaviors
In a silhouette so deep, a child’s mind does roam
Unknown to her, a truth found in home
Caught in moments, secrets unrevealed
Innocence lost, wounds unhealed
Her words like arrows, sharp and cruel
Shouting names, a broken tool
Early memories, whispered truth
A child’s heart, battered in their youth
Seven years young, with cast so bold
Innocent kisses, secrets untold
Drawn to others, different from the rest
Confusion sown in a tender chest
Childhood best friend, a bond so deep
Exploring boundaries, secrets to keep
Yearning for girls, not boys in sight
A path less taken, hidden from light
At five years old, a knowledge gained
Alone in silence, a soul pinned
Self-discovery in tender hands
Met with anger from harsh demands
All she knew was anger’s shout
Her words like daggers, filled with doubt
But in these whispers of the past
A truth emerges, love at last
In moment’s dark, a light does shine
A journey of self, a mountain to climb
Embracing truth, despite the pain
In healing wounds, a rainbow’s gain
If you are experiencing or have experienced sexual assault, or struggling with your emotions, please check out the following links, as they offer help, support, and guidance.
My belief is that my mother knows I was sexually abused, at least once, and at least by my father. Whether she consciously knows that or not, every single sign was there for her if she didn't. Children only know what they know. I knew what masturbation was at the age of 5. While I didn't know what the word itself meant, I knew how to please myself. My mother would catch my often. She wouldn't give me privacy, she wasn't concerned, she would just yell and scream at me, calling me names like, "Slut," starting as early as 5. Also phrases like, "What the fuck, (Name removed). What the fuck are you doing. What's wrong with you? You're disgusting," are all phrases, and more, I've been hearing since I was young. I used to have escapades with my teddy bear, that my mother knew about, pillows, anything I could. Even in elementary school, I'd find myself in the bathroom pleasing myself.
My mother has caught me on several occasions experimenting with my friends, who were girls. I had this friend that had just broken her leg. We experimented together often. She would typically be on top of me, but since her leg was broken, I took the turn on top. I was probably 9 or 10 when my mother walked in my room and found us. She started yelling and screaming, and she took my friend home. My childhood best friend, whole I don't think my mother ever knew, we experimented a lot together. In fact, at just 8 years old, I had my first French kiss with her. She caught me a couple times in Nevada after we moved, and many, and I mean many times throughout my teenage years. The messages she would give me were always so confusing. She'd catch me and call me names, but later on she would tell me how, "Fucking a guy is how you find a husband and sometime to take care of you."
I am not a lesbian, and I am not attracted to women, anymore at least. I think my experimentation with women throughout my life, has to do with my extreme fear of men, and constantly having no control or say over having sex with them. I felt comfortable with women, in control of what I wanted or didn't want.
I guess what I'm trying to say here, is if my mother is as smart as she claims to be, and if she really "Didn't" know what had happened and continued to happen to me, how did this incredibly intelligent woman not question how I knew the things I knew at such a young age? If she's not lying about not knowing, then she's actually incredibly ignorant, in my opinion, and quite frankly abusive for the language she used and the shame she instilled in her innocent daughter's sexual behaviors. What's your opinion?
Σχόλια