Scapegoat

In the shadows, I once stood

Seeking acceptance, yearning for good

But they saw me as their prey

Dumping burdens day by day

Mocked and used, I bore it all

Their laughter like a thunderous squall

Subtle jobs and overt jeers

Fueled by all my hidden fears

But no more shall I endure

Their insults sharp and cruel, obscure

Alone, I’d rather proudly stand

Than be at their cruel command

No longer a scapegoat, I declare

My strength and worth beyond compare

For I am not a target, weak and meek

But a spirit strong, no longer meek

My family often refers to me as a difficult person. A child/teenager/woman full of behavior problems. Mostly because my mother knew how to push my buttons, to gain attention for her out-of-control daughter. She talked about me often in a negative way. Gossiping about my failures, but rarely discussing anything good. I was difficult, and I was full of behavioral issues. I now know though, that I was subconsciously screaming for help.

I've noticed over the past six years, how contagious gossip and mistreatment are. People generally think that if it's okay to treat your child poorly, that it's okay for them, too. When you're around the situation for so long, you eventually join in. It spreads into not being around them as well, and passing on that gossip to other people. It's a contagious, toxic web of abuse and bullying. I learned to accept and tolerate being treated poorly. Since it wasn't just my mother and father creating this mess, but also everyone around us, it became my core belief at a very early age that I was difficult, unlovable, unworthy and that I didn't deserve anything but punishments and consequences, in which I never fully understood until a few years ago; whether I had done something bad or nothing at all. I learned to be the dumping ground but also to be loyal to only the people who treated me that way. This is why it's so important to be careful who you choose to associate with. It spreads, and you can become the person you hate the most.

When I say "dumping," I mean "scapegoat." It is a real thing, whether people realize they're doing it or not. I was an easy target. I took the treatment, and cried in silence. I stopped venting to my mother about how people treated me by like fourteen years old, because her responses were always, "Well, you are difficult. You likely deserved it. What did you do to them to make them do that to you? That's funny. (Sometimes actually laughing when the insults were super cruel) I don't blame them," etc. So the treatment was reinforced as acceptable and warranted. This included teachers, being bullied at school and more. People literally took their life frustrations out of me, and if I spoke up, I was simply a spoiled, entitled brat and I was exaggerating. There are too many stories connected to this, so it's best to leave each story for each incident.

#CPTSD

#Scapegoat

#Bullied