Ritalin

In youthful folly, seeking a false thrill

I thought myself wise, chasing a high

Upon the clouds, my mind did freely fly

Unaware of the void, waiting to fill

Each pill a step towards the dark abyss

A temporary solace, a fleeing joy

Yet soon the mask of happiness did cloy

Revealing the pain I sought to dismiss

Betrayed by trust, a friend’s deceitful lie

Poisoned whispers led me astray

In shadows of shame, I began to sway

My mother’s tears, the truth did amplify

Just fifteen years, burdened such weight

Seeking escape from emotional state

When I was fifteen I was at a friend's house for the night. We got this bright idea to take a bunch of her Ritalin. The more pills I took, the smarter I felt. The smarter I felt, the more pills I took. I ended up taking about 40 pills that night. I started to feel sick. I was throwing up in the toilet and in severe pain. Worried I might die, I told my friend to call poison control. She lied to them. I think she did it because she was worried. I overheard her say, "She took one 40 MG pill." When in reality I had taken 40 of them! (Just another instance where I shouldn't be alive with all the meds I took...) She told me she told them 40. Who knows, maybe she thought she said it correctly. She was high, too.

I had gotten so hot at one point, that during winter in the Midwest and five inches of snow, I found myself outside in nothing but my bra and underwear. I was sweating profusely. My friend thought it was funny. In reality, I just didn't feel well.

I had written a 10 page letter to a friend of mine during this. My mother happened to find it. Of course, "What the fuck is wrong with you, (name removed). You must want to hurt me with all the bull shit you put me through. Jesus Christ, you're such a fucking moron. How did I raise such an idiot?" (Now I see the pattern. How did you raise such an idiot? Think of it. YOU raised ME. See the pattern?) She was more worried about her image than the fact that I had swallowed a bunch of pills.

#Ritalin

#CPTSD

#Addiction