Repeating Mistakes

The pain I feel, the words I hear

Cut deep into my heart

My mother’s voice, so unkind and clear

Tears my world apart

She calls my son lazy, fat and mean

Complains about him every day

My family enables her, it seems

Her mistreatment won’t go away

I see the patterns, the damage done

And I long to make it right

But my family’s sympathy has overrun

The truth, shrouded in the night

I pray for strength, for wisdom too

To break this toxic cycle

To show my son a love that’s true

And help him find his smile

So, I speak out against the lies

And I refuse to let them grow

I’ll stand up for my son, I’ll rise

And let my love for him show

For family should be a place of grace

Where kindness and love abound

I’ll fight for my son, I’ll set the pace

And together, we will be found

I hear from my family often about the complaints regarding my son. I don’t understand how my family doesn’t see the repeated patterns at this point. She complains constantly about how he doesn’t do anything, and how he’s lazy and she “has to do everything” for him. She talks about his looks and weight gain, (as if her excessive weight gain isn’t an issue for her too) that he’s mean and talks to her in a bad way and treats her like dirt. But that she feels “sorry” for his situation because of me, his mother. Once again, allowing it to continue, allowing herself to not have to look at her own issues, for the sake of someone else’s mental health. She calls him names, makes fun of him and more. This is always so triggering to hear, as it’s a repeat of my upbringing with her, on top of knowing my son is going through similar things with her; the woman who “saved” him from me. This woman who is breaking him at his very core, the woman who broke me at my very core, but uses the things I’ve done and said (out of the same treatment, creating those behaviors for her attention and love) as a reason that she’s my son’s savior, when all she’s doing is repeating everything she did with me and continuing to blame me for her life's problems. There’s nothing I can do about it, either. I tried when he was a minor, but clearly that didn’t work.

People say that Facebook “isn’t the place for personal stuff.” I disagree. Facebook causes people much anxiety, because we only show out best sides of life. I post to help other people. I post to prove myself, in the future, with my kid. I post to share my progress, which shows the difficulty I’ve had becoming the person I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I spend a lot of nights crying in bed, worrying a bit too much still what people think of me, wondering if I’m going crazy and if people are talking about me, but I don’t let it stop me. I will leave my mark on this world. I will never stop speaking about things like this. If we all give in and stop, there’s never going to be a change. Generational abuse, trauma, will never be a thing that children are protected from. People will never think they can change and make a difference in spite of their circumstances. My hopes, is that sharing my life publicly and through this site, can show what happens when we don’t take this stuff seriously. My goal is to make changes, and that means sacrificing myself and my happiness. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m doing this for my son and for myself. Whether him and I ever connect again or not, maybe it will save a future mother and son from the misery him and I have been though. Maybe it will change a mother and her daughter's relationships. Who knows. I feel called to do this, so I’m doing it.

#Toxic

#GenerationalTrauma #ImSorry

#SpongeBob

#CPTSD