Protect Her Image

I wasn’t allowed to fail

To falter or to fall

For failure was a sign

Of something wrong in us all

Mistakes were not acceptable

In private or in public view

Scolded, mocked, and screamed at

For not being perfect through and through

She acted caring and loving

In front of those outside

But at home, she would tell me

I was ruining her image and pride

I was taught that failure

Was a reflection of my worth

That I had to be flawless

To prove my value on this earth

Even as a young child this would happen to me. I'd be called the most vulgar names for dropping a dish, spilling my ketchup, or ruining my outfit. My mother had this need to always look perfect in the eyes of others, and so did her mother. Now, when I say screaming, I mean screaming, red in the face, spit coming out of her mouth, (if you've been following me for a while, you may see a pattern with the spitting in my face in my relationships) veins present and throwing tantrums, throwing stuff at walls and breaking it. While I'm bawling my eyes out and it just made her more mad. Everyone wonders why I was the way I was as a teenager. I had so much built up trauma from my environment, that I exploded. Mistakes were not okay. It meant that I was off my meds, lazy, etc. I was never taught the proper way to do something or corrected, only yelled at. No, sorry, screamed at, like a woman would her husband. But I'm finding that even that is not normal or healthy, but rather, toxic and unhealthy. I was not taught how to regulate my emotions. I simply modeled what I was taught.

#Mistakes

#TeachMe #Screaming #VulgarNames #CPTSD