In the season’s glow, memories ignite
Christmas whispers of yester years delight
Your absence keenly felt, a lingering pain
Yet in my heart, your love remains
I walk this path, though shadows loom
In every corner, a trace of gloom
But amidst the cheer and festive hue
I sense your spirit, pure and true
As we gather ‘round the tree aglow
I close my eyes, let emotions flow
Imagining you by my side
In joyful moments, we shall abide
Though miles apart, our souls unite
In spirit and love, a guiding light
I hold onto hope, steadfast and bright
That one day, we’ll reunite
It's just another holiday I don't get to spend with my son. However, I can't not live my life, as I never know when/if he'll come around to me. I am writing this on 07/09/2024, so I don't know exactly where I'll be, but I have a few ideas. I might go to my aunt's house in Texas for a week, my sister's house in Florida, somewhere in the mountains by myself with the pup, or "The Christmas Story" house in Ohio. I know I will go somewhere.
Knowing my mother and son are here, is traumatizing for me. I will not spend another Christmas in bed, hysterically crying, wondering why I'll never be good enough to be my mother's daughter. I will never again allow her to let me feel that way. It's what she wants, and I truly believe she gets off on it.
I'm going to be proactive this year. I'm going to make sure I'm not even in the state, however, as I've been telling everyone, if my son wants to see me, I will come home. But here's what I grew up with; If I'm out of town, my grandpa will tell her. My mother might then convince my son that he wants to see me, knowing I'm out of state and it will be extremely difficult for me to get home. She will then tell him, "See, I told you she wouldn't drop everything for you. I told you she's not changed." I don't know for sure if that will happen, but I know my mother's pattern. I grew up with it. Any who... I'm going to pretend my son is with me this Christmas. His presents will go under the tree. I will make dinner for two. Santa will come and everything. While I won't be home on the actual day, Christmas will be waiting for us. I know it sounds silly, but that's part of my healing.
To my readers, I hope that your holiday's are special. I hope that you are surrounded by loved ones and really feeling the love. However, if you're not, you are important, you matter, and you are loved by strangers who can relate to your feelings.
If you're struggling this Christmas day, please consider reaching out to the crisis text line. You matter, your feelings matter, and there are people who empathize and understand.
Merry Christmas, dear readers!
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