In shadows cast where truth is veiled
My worth, a secret often shelled
Though ignorance may cloud their eyes
No need for me to advertise
Each piece of proof laid bare, ignored
The evidence, my heart implored
Yet why should I defend my place?
My value, grand, is set in grace
For in the hearts that truly see
My worth is boundless, wild, and free
Don’t plead for ears that choose the mute
Nor beg for those that won’t refute
Even souls that trod my path
May struggle with the aftermath
Yet in their blindness, I’m not less
My essence stays, won’t regress
I’ll hold firm, knowing I’m not subpar
A radiant, unyielding star
To beg is to concede the light
I’m a dear soul, and I shine through the night
My father's side of the family is even more unaccepting of me than my mother's side. Funny, because I didn't know most of them. I actually believe that's why. So again, I know my brother, who is 16 years younger than me, and I know of another brother. I don't know how old he is, other than he's a minor and his mother won't speak to us, understandably, and I know of a sister, who found me through DNA. She is 3 years younger than me, and born while my parents were still married.
I can't blame a couple of my cousins that think I'm, "Crazy." They know how I was when I moved here, they know my father and that my genes are flawed from him. What they don't know, is that my mother is likely their worst critic. They have no clue the things she said about them when they were visiting us in Wisconsin quite a few years ago. That doesn't matter, but it bothers me. It still bothers me that people don't see the situation for what it is, even though they lived through it in their own lives. (My aunt's oldest 4 children out of 6 do not speak to her, and for good reasons.) But it "Can't" be true in my case, because my mother has money, I had food and clothes, and nice cars and things, right? Well, wrong. Actually, those are the cases we should be paying closer attention to.
Anywho... One of my aunt's (I have 4 from my father) posted something and tagged me in it about loving her nieces and nephews and missing them. This particular post, was a picture of the last time my brother, myself, and this aunt were together at the same time. One of my cousins commented, and you'll see what she said in the screenshot. I immediately got upset. Her comment was referring to my brother, who she grew up with. There was nothing about me, no concern or anything. What she wrote just confirms that she doesn't give two shits about me. It just confirms that no one cares that I tried to take my life. Coming from children that devoted their lives to helping others after the situations they grew up in, it really blows my mind. So, I started typing up a comment, realized she wasn't worth my time, that they'll never fully understand despite actually knowing, and knowing that my mother is extremely convincing, but I didn't post it. I blocked her instead, because it's stressful to know that other's don't care if I live or die. Simply because I am my father's daughter. Simply because my mother looks good on paper. Simply because I was always the one getting in trouble. In this moment, I understood the phrase, "Ignorance is bliss," completely. Just seeing them on Facebook triggers me. It goes back to blocking and unfriending for the sake of your mental health, and it is NOT selfish. I'm protecting myself for once.
This was also the moment I realized I can control how I feel, and I can control my responses. I was heated and angry for a while, but I text my sister who I trust, and she feels the same way. No one really cares about or talks to her either, because people look at her situation, her behaviors, and think the same thing. I'm so sick of victims continually being shamed instead of actually being protected when we needed it the most. But anyway, my sister helped to calm me down. Assured me she loved me. I felt better. I love having a sister. :)
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