No Desire

It took a lifetime of pain and sorrow

For me to see the light

To realize that I don’t need to follow

Or conform to what others think is right

The abuse and trauma, the trials and tears

Have shown me my true worth

I’ve come to embrace my fears

And reclaim my place on this earth

I long for connection, yes

But I also desire to shine

To stand out from the rest

And let my creativity define

So, here I stand, unapologetically me

Embracing my quirks and flaws

No longer seeking to be what others see

I am enough, just as I was meant to be

My individuality, who I am, my goals, dreams, and aspirations, have only recently come to light. I've only recently been allowed to explore myself without harsh criticism, judgment and mockery, and I'm enjoying every second of it. Don't get me wrong, I still spend many nights with crippling anxiety, crying myself to sleep, feeling super butt hurt while I continue to watch people forget that I live alone and crave connection, (A though behavior that still needs changing) but I am me. I am becoming the best version of me everyday. It took my mother not speaking to me, for me to grow. One of these days I'm going to be the scariest person in the world. Not because you have to fear me, but because people won't be able to walk on me, use me, or hurt me with their words. I am finally free to be me. I hope that I can show this to my son. Whether we reconnect or not, hopefully he gains access somehow, someway, someday, to everything I've left him. To the gifts in his bin, to the letters I've written him, to my journals, to this website... The hard word has been done, and he will not have to learn what's next. He will have to go through the pain, but not the frustration of not knowing what to do. I also hope that my mother gains access to all of this. I complain about her a lot, I know. But I'm not really complaining. I'm explaining. She's just suffering from decades of trauma herself, and while it stings every single time, I must treat her like I treat strangers; I know what you're saying and doing to me has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you. I wish them both, and everyone in the world, healing and peace.

Photo Credit to, "Your New Look," on Facebook

#CPTSD

#FearlessSoul

#AshaJacob

#MicahTyler #Different

#God