My Vow

In moments where I faltered, failed to truly see

Your voice, your wishes, I ignored carelessly

Regrets now haunt my heart, for not heeding your plea

But love and change I offer, for you to clearly see

With each new day, I vow to steer us right

Listening closely, supporting with all my might

You are my world, my reason, my guiding light

Together we’ll soar, in love’s everlasting flight

For you, my precious child, I pledge anew

To put your needs first, in all that I do

Imprinted in my soul, forever true

My love for you shines endlessly, this is my promise to you

My son didn’t like my ex-fiancé. He told me that on several occasions. I believe that deep down I knew, but I was so wrapped up in thinking I needed him to survive. I knew how important this was to my son, but I didn’t listen. It’s not that I didn’t care, because I did. I just didn’t listen. I did leave him once, but went back to him, before he proposed to me. (Which I think he did only because I found out that he’d been sleeping with half of the women in our large city, and because he had beaten me so badly the night before, both verbally and physically)

My son deserved better. He deserved his voice to be listened to. He deserved my full, undivided attention. This is one of the millions of things I wish I could go back and change. Clearly, I cannot do that. When we’re healing, guilt often takes over. The guilt of the trauma and misery we have stowed upon other people. My son is my biggest guilt. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for any of it.

#ImSorry

#GenerationalTrauma #CPTSD