Mother's Day Part 1

Today gets two posts in one, as I'm trying something new. There will also be a second blog post today

In the shadows of sorrow, I weep

A mother’s heart, buried deep

Betrayed by echoes of the past

A bond shattered, couldn’t last

Guided by a mother’s hand

Yet led astray, a painful land

My son, a thread, once intertwined

Now lost in memories, confined

They say, “Just move on, let it go

”But how can I, when tears continue to flow?

Today, a day for mother’s dear

Yet absence is all I fear

Six years devoid of your embrace

Haunted by a cold, empty space

Invisible chains, forged in pain

Lost in a cycle, hard to explain

My son, my flesh, my own heart

Torn apart, worlds apart

Feeding on lies, a poisoned fruit

Struggling to find a resolute

Judged for love, condemned for care

A legacy tainted, hard to bear

Others celebrate, in family bliss

Alone I mourn, in the abyss

But in the silence, a whisper reigns

Strength in tears, in lingering strains

For a mother’s love, a flame that burns

In hope and faith, the heart returns

Mother's Day is always a very hard day for me. I grew up being told I ruined every holiday, especially Mother's day. I just got off the phone with my grandma and I said, "It's ridiculous that I have to be alone on Mother's day." Her response to me was, "Get over it. Grandpa and I are alone every Mother's Day. Just deal with it." I'm so freaking sick of hearing this type of talk from people that clearly still don't get it. I love my grandma, very much, but this irritates me so much, because she says it with much attitude. A woman, who has 3 children who will call her, send her something, and buy her something. One child that lives with her, and one child that lives down the street from her. She also has one child in prison, but we won't go there, but even he, will call her for Mother's Day. I have to live with the fact that my son hates me because of how I raised him, and that my own mother took him from me, and used my behaviors as a reason, when it's what she taught me. I don't care about gifts, I care about my son. I care that no matter how much progress I make, how much good I do, my mother still tells my son how I'm lying, it's not real, and I'm faking it. I hate that I don't have a biological mother to take out to dinner, I hate that people think this is so easy to just "get over, it" and I should "just be okay with it." I'm sorry, I'm not my mother, I will never give up on my son, but I have every right to be upset. While you all have children and mothers to turn to, I have my dog. I don't have my son. I don't have my two baby girls that didn't make it past 7 months in my belly, I don't have any of the babies that I miscarried and wanted so badly. Stop telling people to "just get over" things you can't even comprehend. It's painful, so painful I've scheduled today to spend in bed with a bucket of ice cream, put on sad music, and cry. I have to schedule cry days now because I'm so busy. So go spend time with your family, your husband, your mother, your child, your aunt, whoever, and gossip about the girl alone who "just can't get over it," and I'll just pretend to be okay, while not answering the phone for anyone, for any reason. It will be off. You want me to be okay? That's how I'll be okay. You can gossip about that too, because I know you will.

So what's different about today? I'm trying this new thing here, where I give love to people who couldn't give me love. I give love to people who don't deserve it, and I give love to people who've hurt me. This is supposed to help with forgiving someone who hasn't asked for it, continues to hurt you, and doesn't care. So below, you will find a poem to my mother. A poem I will send and will likely not hear a response, and it will likely kill me once again, but I'm going to do it. I need to forgive her, for myself, and this is how I start. From now on, for Mother's Day, she will get a poem, for her birthday, she will get a poem, for Christmas, she will get a poem for every occasion, and she will get poems for no reason. This is me, trying something new, letting her know I forgive her even when I'm not there yet. Telling her I love her, telling her everything she should've told me. The old way of doing things is clearly not working for me, so I'm giving this a shot. "Forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors," has nothing to do with finances, but everything to do with love and relationships. Like my son, who's feelings are valid and warranted, like my feelings, that are valid and warranted, so are my mother's regarding her own mother, and she too, deserves an apology she will never receive. My grandmother passed away over a decade ago.

In the realm of misunderstandings, we stray

Words spoken, mis-constructed along the way

You may believe love lost in candid speech

Yet, in my heart, your love does breach

Perceived indifference, a painful plea

From a well of care, it’s hard to see

My transformation, a truth so real

In my love for you, it shall reveal

Doubts may linger, like shadows stark

But in my soul, I bear a spark

To welcome you back, to open the door

For you, my mother, forevermore

In your journey, may happiness bloom

Love and peace, dispel the gloom

Healing whispers in gentle release

An apology sought, soulful peace

Forgiveness cascades a freeing stream

Love and relationships, like a dream

For in forgiving, we set hearts free

I forgive you, in love’s decree

To be very clear, I'm not quite at forgiveness, but I know I'm getting close. Managing this blog and website and sharing my stories through my poems and music, have proven extremely helpful in my healing process. It seems every time I try something new, I get better. To me, that's letting go of the past and moving forward by utilizing new ways of coping with things. Even if I never get an apology from my mother, I know that I will be able to forgive her someday, because she too, doesn't yet know any better.

In realms where stars and angels play

My dear Grandma, on this Mother’s Day

I send my love, a heartfelt plea

For peace and joy eternally

In Heaven’s Vast, where spirits soar

I hope you find what life had in store

Tranquility, a gentle grace

Surrounds you in that sacred place

Though miles apart, in heart we’re near

Your memory cherished, oh so dear

Happy Mother’s Day, to you above

Embraced by eternal love

For my mother's mother.

#CPTSD

#GenerationalTrauma

#Forgiveness

#MothersDay