Jealousy

In shadows cast by jealousy’s stain

I stand, a lone soul, in family’s domain

Where achievement breeds envy’s fire

And recognition is the unending desire

To rise up high, to reach the star

Is to invite their scorn, their jealous scars

For in their eyes, your success shines bright

A beacon of discontent, a blinding light

Yet, in the darkness, do not despair

For strength lies within, beyond compare

Forge your path, with courage and might

Stand tall, shine on, in your own light

For family may falter, with envy’s grasp

But your spirit endures, steadfast

Embrace your journey, proud and true

For greatness lies ahead, waiting for you

My family tends to not see children as actual children, but rather extensions of themselves. My family pusher their children to be what they wish they were. For example, my mother enrolled me in gymnastics when I was a kid because she loved gymnastics, but she is "Big boned," (her words) and not built for gymnastics. (Also her words) I had the body, but not the talent. My mother would say things like, "You're wasting your talent." (when I had none) She would be visibly upset when I didn't excel. She didn't care that I didn't like gymnastics, but I wanted to please her so badly. So she'd scold me for not being good at something I didn't even like, I'd cry, often throw a tantrum, and then be yelled and screamed at for crying after she berated me at such a young age.

My family is also wonderful at making you feel small. Pointing out every flaw you have, judging, criticizing, shaming and guilting you into feeling as if you are not enough. However, they are incapable of seeing their own flaws, I was once that way, too. When you do start to work on your life, my family isn't proud of you, but rather jealous. They are jealous because they thought you were incapable of great things, and they are internally angry and disgusted with themselves for, "Not being able to do the same." When in fact they are, they just don't put forth the effort. So, instead of putting the effort in to be successful or have what they want, they will judge you, shame you, and gossip about you, because deep down they hate themselves and you are making them look bad by putting in the work and changing. Ultimately, they don't think they are capable, so why should you be? It's hard work to work on yourself. I can see why no one wants to, but it's so worth it. Despite my many obstacles, this is the best I've ever felt in my entire life. My family is jealous that I was able to see, to break free, and they are afraid that I will spill the beans, which I have been. So, I will just be a liar to a lot of people, and that's okay with me. I know my truth, my voice will not be silenced, and they can no longer scared me. I've died and come back to life, nothing is worse than that.

Photo Credit to an unknown source on Facebook

#CPTSD

#Jealous

#Disturbed

#Indestructible