If Only It Were
- Hannah L
- Apr 8
- 3 min read
Trigger Warning: Mention of rape
In a dim-lit room, where shadows fall
I shared a burden, heavy as the wall
My heart laid bare, as memories spilled
Tales of sorrow that time had killed
“Just that once,” She gently said
As if a single drop could drown the dread
Yet echoes linger – more than a few
Moments collide, like waves of blue
Not once, but many, like a stormy sea
Each crash a fracture, destroying me
Men like phantoms, returning to haunt
Revisiting pan that I didn’t want
“Just one,” they say, “Why can’t you heal?”
As if the scars could vanish, be concealed
But trauma is a labyrinth, twisted and cold
Where wounds run deeper than stories told
To some, it’s a shadow that fades in the light
A whisper, a tremor, a flicker in the night
But to me, it’s a mountain, both heavy and vast
An echo that resonates, ever steadfast
So, here’s my solace, in verses composed
In the strength of my struggle, the layers unclosed
I’ll carry my story, though they wish it repressed
For healing is complex, and I’m learning to rest
Not for their calendar, their timelines, or clocks
But for the truth that lives in the paradox
That healing’s journey, not a mere flick of the switch
A testament to resilience – this is my pitch
I’ll rise from the ashes, with grit in my soul
Embracing each fragment, my spirit made whole
For once and for many, my pain wears no mask
In the fabric of healing, I will dare to unmask
If you or anyone you know are experiencing distressing emotions, please reach out to the crisis text line below for support and advice. You matter! Your story matters! Your emotions are valid and they matter!
If you or anyone you know have been sexually assaulted in anyway, please reach out to the national sexual assault hotline through the link below for support and advice.
I hear so many times, "It only happened once, and it was a long time ago, you were young, just get over it." Like the fact that I was raped, "Just once," means I should let it go and move on. I wish it were just once. In past blogs, you'll see a series on rape. It was multiple men, and often multiple times with the same man. But even if it were, "Just once," I should forget the impact, the trauma, and the lifelong problems it has caused me? Okay. With all the research currently out there, early life affects your entire life. Even things you don't remember. Yes, you can completely forget things consciously, but they are always there in your subconscious mind, affecting your behaviors, and you don't know why you're behaving the way you are.
The series I've written about rape, are what I remember. There have been several times at parties that I've woken up without my clothes on. There's been times I've woken up and not known where I was, also without my clothes on. There's several men I'm uncomfortable around, likely because of my history, but when I didn't fully know what my father had done to me yet, I would get excited, "Down there," then be confused and then feel scared, along with shame, guilt and embarrassment. This is why women don't speak about it. Because society will say things like, "Disgusting. She's turned on by her father." But that wasn't exactly the case. It wasn't a, "Good Feeling." It was everything else. The confusion and the fear, mostly. See, my father was the first man to teach me that fear equals pleasure.
So again, even if it were, "Just once," you are not obligated to stop speaking about it, simply because it hurts other people to hear it. Maybe those people, no, those people should have protected you instead of looking the other way because it's uncomfortable. "Just once," doesn't mean you weren't traumatized. "Just once," doesn't mean you're obligated to keep quiet for the sake of others. Speak up. Let's make changes. Let's make a difference.
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