I'm Worth More

I latched onto you

Because we shared trauma

I gave too much

Because I craved connection

I pushed myself beyond limits

Because I had no one else

Even after his death

You expected the same

That’s when I noticed

How you chose everyone else’s need

Over Mine

That’s when I stopped

That’s when I realized

You needed me

But didn’t like me

I won’t be used any longer

I won’t be second best

I am worth more

Than your selfishness

I am deserving

Of love and respect

I am walking away

From the pain you inflict

I am choosing myself

And I won’t look back

I am free from your hold

I am free to love myself

I have this friend here who is my mother's age. I could talk about a lot of things that happened, but what I need to process, is my people-pleasing tendencies, and how easy it can be to take advantage of someone without fully understanding you are doing so. This friend shares trauma similar to my own. She attaches to people that are bad for her, and pushes away those that are good to her. Her and her husband are disabled, pretty badly. However, I'm not quite sure she is. I mean, she is, and I am too, but she's not putting the necessary work into herself. Her disabilities are like mine; rooted from childhood trauma. I have dropped everything on multiple occasions to help her, spent thousands of dollars on this friendship and not expecting anything in return other than friendship. While I understand disabilities well, I was always pushing myself to my limits for her, and for her husband. I remember one instance where I asked her to be with me. January 4th is the "Anniversary" of my suicide attempt. It's the one of 5 days I don't want to be alone. She cancelled on me last minute, as she typically did all the time. We had a riff of not talking for about a year. We reconnected during Christmas, 2022. However, not much had changed. If I wanted friendship, I had to drive to her. I had to go up and sit in her room, (They lived with many other people) where it was very dirty, like, hoarding dirty, and no where to sit, and extremely hot. Having spine issues, I always found myself having to sit on the side of her bed, and I would get too hot along with my back hurting badly. When, she could've come downstairs and sit in a chair with me. If I didn't go up to say hello, I'd be scolded for not coming up to say hi, when she could've come downstairs. (Clearly I was wrong and needed to process just a little more than expected!)

She would constantly tell me she can't do something because of her disability. That it was too much, she was hurting too much and was tired. Her husband recently passed away. When I got the call, I jumped in my car and was there to help. 2 full days of not sleeping, trying to plan a funeral, write an obituary, take care of her immediate needs and find money to pay for everything. I took my dog and slept in this house, where the stench of smoke is so bad my lungs hurt, fleas and cockroaches, drugs, and no where to comfortably sleep. For her, for one week. I know that everyone handles grief differently, but I was once again neglecting myself for the sake of someone else, and when I say recent, this was just 3 months ago. (Written 07/07/2024) I watched her go out with friends, repeatedly after her husband died. She still cancelled plans with me repeatedly to go be with someone else. She gets out of the house often. I watched her post thing after thing of how grateful she is for everyone, tagging them, etc. What I learned, was that my help over the years was not exactly appreciated, but rather, expected. I thought about all of the things I could've done for myself during this time. All of the energy I could've been spending making sure I felt special, loved, and SANE! I've since stopped responding quickly. I often wait weeks now before I respond. She did come over the other day, but I found myself wanting my alone time. I've learned to listen to my body, and if you feel tension, it's not healthy, for some reason. She talked about how people are starting to withdraw from her life. How much it hurts that people cancel plans, how they don't think about her, forget about her, etc. I had a hard time not speaking my mind about our situation. I don't want to undermine her grief and trauma, but like, I'm over here. I am that person for you, and it's not okay, but neither is hurting someone when they're down. I'm not saying she's never done anything for me. She was there for me for some pretty big events.

With all that said, I understand her behaviors. I understand that she may not realize she's doing it. I didn't either. I know where it comes from, and I also take into consideration the fact that her husband just passed away unexpectedly. But even so, I come first now. I put myself first, my needs and wants before others. I need to distance myself to protect myself. I don't want to fall into those patterns, EVER again. I will now help her when I have time. Which is not very much these days. As internship, blog, and hobbies come first. For the first time, it's not upsetting me. It's not ruining my day. I'm simply doing what I need to do, to remain healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually.

#SelfLove

#SelfRespect