Hypocritical Lush

She sits on her high horse

With judgment in her eyes

Casting stones at those who drink

But she herself imbibes

She talks ill of her best friend

Who likes a drink or two

But when she’s in town, they’re inseparable

Drinking until the night is through

A hypocrite, she stands

Judging what she can’t face

Unable to see the reflection

Of her own flawed embrace

For it’s easier to criticize

What we cannot bear to see

But the truth is, she’s just like them

And it’s herself she cannot set free

As I continue to, "Complain" about my mother on these posts, I want to remind my readers that these poems all come from the book I've written about my life. Talking about my mother's flaws offer insight into my personal situation, as my situation stems from the environment in which I was raised, and if it's on here, it's either affected me at one point, or continues to affect me and needs to be processed. This is how I process and work through my triggers and trauma. I am mostly, "Over" what has happened, but that doesn't mean my voice gets to stay silenced. This blog is about awareness and education. This blog is made in hopes of someone stumbling across it with a few key words, and recognizing similarities in their lives, and maybe, just maybe, it can save them from the misery I've lived. I only knew of abuse as physical and sexual. I did not know how my mother was treating me was abuse. I didn't know I was doing anything wrong, because she was my only role model. This is generational trauma, and this is how we spread awareness and make changes. Her name, will never be released, nor will any other name. I'm sure I'll release mine at some point.

I hear things from my grandpa that my mother says to him. Not just the shit talking about my son, her grandson and his family, and everyone else, I hear about her. I her her subtle abusive statements that not many people would notice, but these statements are what would push my buttons. These statements that no one else could pick up on, would be what used to trigger me and send me into wild and erratic behaviors. These exact buttons she purposely pushed to continue to receive attention and pity for her situation. Considering this last one was just yesterday, (Written 07/07/2024) she's clearly not done any soul searching yet. I don't react like I used to. My heart still races and I get heated, but I just disappear and practice deep breathing, and then I'm fine.

My mother will be in town soon for her best friends' bachelorette party. My grandpa informed me of what city they'll be in and that my mother said, "I'll have to take care of (Name removed) because she'll be drunk, go figure." I guess my mother then went on a tangent about how (Name Removed) will never stop drinking, that she'll always be a drunk. This triggered me. Not because she was talking shit about her best friend, but because she always did similar things to me, and in the past, (I can't say for sure about now...) well, I know her habits. She gets just as wasted as her best friend. They drink like a fish when they're together. They both need rides home. She won't be taking care of anyone. She'll be getting drunk, (I'm assuming, since her abusive behaviors haven't changed) being dumb and telling everyone the next day how she had to take care of her best friend. This is another example of being a hypocrite, because you'd rather have the bad attention on someone else, than take a look at yourself. In her case, she doesn't actually want to drink or be drunk, and she doesn't like that about herself. But instead of working on why she drinks like that, she'll lie to people to feel better about herself. Because making fun of them, gossiping and such, is supposed to make us feel better? I see how flawed this way of thinking is now.

#GenerationalTrauma

#Hypocrite

#SelfReflection

#CayleeHammack