Holiday Strife

Holidays bring a heaviness, I confess

Decorations can’t fill this emptiness

Six years have swiftly slipped away

Since I last saw you, my heart’s dismay

Broken, empty, shattered in despair

My own choice led me to this nightmare

I miss you deeply, words can’t convey

The sorrow I feel without you each day

Regret consumes me, aching in my soul

For the mother I could’ve been, my role

I’ve grown and changed, a different face

But how to communicate, find a trace

Your address, your number, all unknown

Your friends, your love, your beliefs, all gone

I fear for you safety, your unknown fate

That I didn’t do enough, it’s my heartache

And if something befalls me, I dread the thought

That guilt and sorrow, to you will be brought

Years wasted, not your fault, I bear the blame

Time slips away, a child turned to a name

Dear boy, now a man, I ache for you so

Lost son, my love, how I long to show

If I could take your pain, past and to come

I’d carry that burden, be your only one

Let me fight, scream, and weep for your plight

To be your mother, let me make it right

Unchanging is my love, forever true

No matter what dear child, I love you

Every Christmas for the last six years has been tough for me. When my son and mother come to town to visit my grandparents, I'm told by my grandfather, who's told by my mother, to stay away, even though I had joint custody of my son. The decorations, although they're beautiful, only seem to amplify my sense of emptiness and sadness rather than bringing joy and happiness.

The thought of how close he is and the realization that I have hurt him by perpetuating generational trauma is unbearable. I desperately want to give him the love and support he deserves and protect him from perpetuating the cycle with his own children. Without him, my heart will always feel incomplete.

#ImSorry

#IMissYou

#Heartbroken