Good Grief

In the throes of my childhood’s echoing hall

“Good grief,” she’d exclaim, - the refrain of my fall

A term tossed so lightly steeped deep in disdain

Mom’s words hung like drapes that would subtly complain

But good grief, let it not be misunderstood

For beneath the sharp edges, something deeper stood

It was more than an outburst at patience worn thin

A chapter concluded on where I’d begin

Good grief was the guardian at every gate

Where I parsed through the remnants of love and of hate

It was the sharp inhale of a stifled regret

A catalyst for change that I hadn’t met yet

Letting go of past shadows, those specters that bleed

Darkness into dreams where I aimlessly lead

Good grief was the ticket, the train, and the trek

From the valleys of void to the peaks at my neck

I’ve discovered good grief in the layers of me

In the ache of old scars, in the wish to be free

It’s the dance of delight in the room of release

Where the weights fall away, and the captives find peace

Good grief, it’s the mourning that morning requires

To ascend from the pits to what daylight inspires

It’s the goodbye to ghosts that would haunt through the night

An embracing of space where the stars realign bright

Here’s to growth in the grind, where the tough battles bloom

Where the pain finds a place, and the spirits resume

For what once was a cry from a mother’s quick tongue

Is a symphony sung, where my victory is strung

Now, “Good grief,” I proclaim, for it’s wholesome and clear:

It’s the start of the climb and the shift of the gear

It’s saying farewell to the weights that were:

The grief isn’t gone – it’s just changed, I infer

Good grief, as I stand on the cusp of the new

It’s a testament, clear, of what healing can do

With the past tucked away in the depth of night’s sieve

I look forward, forge onward, and fiercely I live

Each “goodbye” to the burdens that quietly seethe

Is a “hello” to life and the breath that I breathe

It’s growing, it’s learning, it’s ardently clear:

Good grief’s not an end – it’s the shift of my year

Much like the phrase, "For crying out loud," "Good grief" was a phrase I heard often from my mother. "For crying out loud" was used when she was irate. When this phrase was used, I knew that something super bad was about to happen. "For crying out loud, (name removed)," is when the insults, belittling, and mockery took place. "Good grief" was used when she was slightly irritated. "Good grief" is more correlated with something I needed or something I did "wrong." If I was hungry when I was young, my mother would say, "Good grief, I just sat down." She'd sigh in a passive-aggressive way and then jump out of the chair like a fire was under her ass, stomp around and violently make my food while whispering loud insults about how busy she was and how she "had" to do everything for me. She'd be saying things under her breath, so I knew she was irritated by my needs, but I couldn't hear these phrases. If I asked her to help with my homework or something, she'd say something like, "Good grief (name removed), what do you think I am, your teacher?" There are several, thousands of other examples. I just don't want to make this too long.

I heard the song I'll be sharing here for the first time yesterday. While "Good grief" is correlated with my mother more heavily, this song is clearly about a relationship ending, and the "Good grief" that can come with that. At that moment, I replayed the song about ten times. I listened to the words. It reminded me of the ex that I've had so many issues with letting go, my past self that was simply surviving life and not living for most of my life, past traumas, friendships, and more. The song is so true. Healing hurts. It really fucking hurts. But if you don't work through those feelings and let them process, you will be stuck in the past forever. If you take medication for it, distract yourself forever, all you're doing is putting a Band-Aid over the problem. You must allow yourself to fully feel what you're feeling, cry it out, and process it. It's going to hurt worse when you do, but give it time and you'll release that pain and move forward. I schedule at least two days a month for tough issues. I turn my phone off, I don't communicate with anyone but my grandpa. I do nothing but lay in my bed and process. I Intentionally put music on that will hurt and allow me to heal. I allow myself to "bury" the problem by processing it, for an entire day. Then I move on. I promise it does get better. You just have to work through it.

Then I found myself saying, "Good grief, Mother, my accomplishments and success were never celebrated if it wasn't what you wanted for me. Good grief, Mother, your stubbornness and denial are so strong, that you can't see the person I'm becoming. You cant see the accomplishments I've made. Good grief, mother, just shut up already and allow me to grow. Good grief, mother, I'm not manipulating, cheating, or lying about my success. Good grief, mother, you almost lost your only child and you couldn't care less. Good grief, mother, all I ever wanted was your time and support. I never cared about your money."

I'm at the stage where I am experiencing "Good grief." I'm finding more happiness and peace every day. I'm processing my past and working on letting it go. Setting health boundaries, following my dreams, and making plans for my future. The grief is "Good grief."

#GoodGrief

#CPTSD

#Emotions

#Process

#Heal

#Past