Emotional Nightmare

Exhausted from fighting, my body aches

Hurting from feeling, my heart breaks

Slipping into old patterns, I can’t escape

Hungry for love, yet I feel so agape

Thirsty for knowledge, I seek for answers

How did I get here, in this endless cancer?

Why is there so much evil in this world?

Who can tolerate me, with my flaws unfurled?

Am I in a nightmare, my persistent hell?

A prison of my own making, I cannot tell

When will it be my turn to be wanted and thought of?

Do I matter to anyone, or am I just a lost dove?

Am I faking my care for others, am I being nice?

Or am I just manipulating, with a hidden vice?

Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am stupid

I don’t know, are my thoughts just convoluted?

Will this ever end, or am I doomed?

For a life of misery, endlessly consumed

Help me, oh hear universe, please

For I am lost, and in dire need of release

I don't feel this way much anymore, but I have felt this way most of my life. It is a super lonely and miserable way to feel. I still feel alone most days, but not to this extent. I am comfortable sitting in my own skin these days, because I have put in the work. I can now feel these feelings much less intensely. I can remember how I was feeling when writing poetry like this and feel bad for my former self. Then I remember where I'm heading; what my goals are, what my passions are, and how far I've come in my life. I mean, I haven't had a suicidal thought in over 5 years. I haven't self-harmed for over 6 years. I love my job and the work that I do, and I know I have a bright future ahead of me.

#Emotions #Change #CPTSD