Echoes of his Words

In the shadows of my mind, his voice remains

A predator’s whispers, a lifetime of chains

“Crazy, fat, stupid, useless,” he’d say

His words like daggers, cutting every day

He wasn’t there, yet claimed disrespect

A ghostly figure, his presences unchecked

Degrading comments, a relentless tide

In every corner, nowhere to hide

He violated trust, then twisted the knife

Reminding me always, a lifelong strife

Not just to me, but to all he knew

A predator’s nature, through and through

But in the darkness, a light starts to gleam

A strength within, a resilient beam

For though his words were meant to break

I rise above, for my own sake

My father hasn't said much to me throughout my life, as we was absent from most of it. However, the few short interactions raise many red flags, and caused much distress throughout my life.

As a small child, I didn't ask many questions about him. I didn't have to because my mother constantly brought him up in derogatory ways. She'd threaten me to go live with him when I didn't comply with her wishes, but constantly told me he's a predator, a liar, and violent man. I'm not sure what prompted her to scare the shit out of me by telling me she'd send me to live with this man she described as evil, but she did, consistently, and always in the form as a threat.

When I was 16 I became more curious. I told my mother I wanted to find him. She knew of an aunt and where that aunt was located. I wrote to that aunt, and within a few short months I was in communication with my father. He informed me he had a son. My brother was a baby at that time. Communication was spotty over the next couple of years, but this man promised to get me high as often as I wanted if I wanted to come live with him. He told me I could party as much as I wanted to, have sex as often I wanted to, and that I wouldn't get in any trouble. He of course, told me not to tell my mother he told me that, but that if I wanted to come live with him, he would make that happen.

When I was 20, I was on the phone with my father. I was driving and irritated because he wasn't talking. He was clearly drunk, but I didn't care, because I had my, "Father" in my life. Finally I said, "Are you going to say something?" His reply to me was, "I'm waiting for you to say something to turn me on." I hung up on him, and it would be a couple of years before I reached back out.

I reached out through a letter when I was 23 because I was experiencing some medical problems. I had told him in the letter how I was angry with him for not being present, and asking him for medical information on his side of the family. He wrote me back, and I'll never forget the words, "No daughter of mine will disrespect me that way. If you want the medical information, you'll have to call me and apologize for the disrespect." I don't remember if I wrote back to that or not, but realized I wasn't going to get the information I was seeking. There would be on and off communication for a while again.

When I was engaged to my ex-fiance, at 30 years old, I reached out again, because I was getting married. He would say things like, "I guess you're not going to have me walk you down the isle," and, "Of course your grandpa would walk you down the isle, it's not like he contributed to you being here, I don't think..." (Insinuating incest there...) He wanted to dear descriptive details about my sex life with my ex-fiance. Of course it was disgusting, but again, my father was on the phone...

Upon spending time with him when I moved back to Michigan, there were many instances of fear and feelings I couldn't understand, "Down there." We were at the Fish Ladder Park in Lansing and we were sitting at the picnic table. He had sunglasses on and he pulled them down and was fixated on something. His eyes let me know he was interested in a woman in some way, or at least I thought it was a woman. Walking by were two young girls, clearly had not hit puberty yet. He was eyeing them up and down and then he licked his lips. I didn't say anything. At that same park, a woman came up to him. Said we were a great looking couple, (EWWWW) and asked if we wanted to join her in her hotel room. My father looked at me, I guess trying to gauge if I was up for this nasty incestful party. I said no. He looked at me with an angry look and force in his voice and said, "Well aren't you just the biggest cock block bitch of the year."

Spending time with this man in his home in Holt, I was consistency uncomfortable. I was afraid but thought I was going crazy. He was constantly staring at me in a way that let me know he would take me in a second if he could. It was the longest three months of my life, but I eventually learned he was a bad man, as my mother said he was, and cut off ties now about 6 and a half years ago. But before I did, I left with some more words from my father. "You're fat, you're crazy, women are nothing but objects," etc.

This man didn't just prey on his daughter, he preyed on everyone he knew. Two of my aunts speak of derogatory statements like this he made to them. Another two of my aunts think they were sexually assaulted by him. One of my cousins believes he molested her. Two of those aunts claim my father and his mother had a, "Relationship," and they say that another one of my aunts, who is developmentally disabled with the permanent mentality of a 10 year old, was not only raped by him repeatedly, but fell pregnant and her mother had her get an abortion and then a hysterectomy. This man had spread so far into society, ruined so many lives, was still an abuser as he has a domestic violence charge from 2016 with his second wife. (My mother was his first wife) I firmly believe he was raping his dog as well.

My father is a registered sex offender. He has served minimal time and has kept out of prison by using his registered sex offender status as a reason people, "Make up" claims of rape. Including my brother who claimed he sexually assaulted him, and instead of believing him and prosecuting our father, they threw my brother in a psychiatric unit at 14 years old for a year, and wouldn't let him out until he, "Admitted" he lied. He didn't. Neither did anyone else, neither am I. The system is so incredibly broken, biased, and flawed. He is currently compliant on the sex offender registry in Michigan, but he is also listed as homeless. I wonder who else he's out there molesting and who else's lives are being ruined by this man. I also wonder exactly how many children he has out there.

#CPTSD

#Incest

#Predator

#MollyKateKestner