Echoes of a Hungry Heart
- Hannah L
- Jan 28
- 6 min read
In the shadows of hunger, I found my plight
A check written in desperation, in the dead of night
No funds to back it, just a plea for a meal
A moment of weakness, a wound slow to heal
An apology penned with trembling hands
A promise to repay, to make amends
But mercy was absent, justice cold and stark
A felony loomed, a permanent mark
I pleaded for lenience, a misdemeanor’s grace
Yet the stigma lingered, etched on my face
Four years have passed, the record expunged
But the echoes of that night, still leave me unstrung
Opportunities lost, doors closed tight
For a $95 check, a never-ending fight
In the court of life, I seek redemption’s light
To rise from the shadows, to reclaim my light
I moved back to Michigan, fresh out of a suicide attempt and fleeing from domestic violence. I was homeless for a while. I lived at a few different domestic violence shelters, in my car, and on some couches. Eventually I received a section 8 voucher and got my own apartment. Still very fragile, wanting to end my life on a daily basis, attending therapy twice a week for 6 months, not having any of my diagnosis yet, as I hadn't yet met the doctor that believed me and changed my life, completely traumatized and not at all resourceful within the community yet.
I was hungry. I was dropping weight like a fly. I didn't have a car, and I didn't know about food pantries. My mother told everyone I was using them, so I only made sure to ask for help for rides to appointments. I was ashamed and embarrassed, so with nothing other than butter and a can of beans in my fridge, I wrote a check to a business for a bunch of food. Food I knew that I could store in my fridge for a while. I also had money coming from my aunt for help a week later. My intention was not to steal, but to eat, to stop throwing up and getting headaches from being so hungry. I couldn't write a check to a grocery store, as I've tried, and I'm in the check systems from past mistakes in my early 20's. This is why I chose a restaurant. Also, businesses were starting to not take checks, and it was increasingly difficult to find a store that would take one. There was no money in my account. The check was for a little over $95.00
I sent the business a very long apology note, explaining my situation, trauma, and dire need for food. I also sent them a money order for $135 of the $200 my aunt gave me for food and bills. I never gave it another thought until I received a letter in the mail saying there was a warrant for my arrest over this check. I dodged the warrant for a long time. I had just gotten my pup and I would've had to give her up. Her and I already had such a strong bond, that I knew losing her would literally cause me to end my life, as she kept me alive. Once I moved in with my, "Adoptive mother," I knew I had to take care of it. I let a friend know I was going to turn myself in and that if she didn't hear from me, to let my, "Adoptive mother" know, so that my pup could be taken care of. The cop that day told me I would get the money order back once the case was over.
Since there was no money in the account, they were charging me with a felony, and I was facing 2 years in prison. I gained a public defender. I remember the first time I met him. I came with a large binder ready to plead my case. He didn't want to hear any of it. He was only interested in settling my case. He didn't give me an option despite me wanting to fight, and voicing my right to fight the charge and explain. This binder was full of everything I had learned up until that point. He laughed at me, literally. He told me if I didn't take the misdemeanor, that I was for sure going to serve time, and for sure going to get a felony.
I ended up pleading to a misdemeanor and I still faced 90 days in jail. I didn't do any time, but it did cause issues for the next 3 years, and continues to even after the charge is expunged. I just had to pay restitution, which was the cost of the check plus $30. I left the court room and was able to go home, with a fresh misdemeanor charge that would cost me many employment opportunities, including not even being able to work for Door Dash, and was denied many housing opportunities, in which each application fee is at least $35 in this state. Luckily, I was enrolled in my bachelor's program during this time, and I had just received my student loan stipend, so I could pay.
When I went to get the money order back, it was torn in half. The business had torn the money order in half because they were so upset and wanted me in prison even after the apology. Claiming my $95 was the reason they no longer accept checks. (2019) I tried to send the money order back to Western Union, but they wouldn't accept it because it was torn in half. I had to send $17 to them to get that money back. I even called them ahead of time to let them know the check was ripped in half. Of course, they told me it'd be fine. They wanted to keep their money and the extra $17 it cost me to send it back! So, in total, I ended up paying $277 for this $95 check and years of misery and trying to do better for myself but blocked at every corner.
Michigan has new expungement laws that I qualified for. Where I'm living now, is where I was when I became eligible for expungement, which is now in a different county. (Thank God) I contacted legal aid for help. The first time I met with the lawyer, he laughed, but for the first time, not at me. His laugh was a laugh of disgust. He claimed the country that charged me will charge anyone for anything they can. He said there was no clear basis to begin with, and he believes the public defenders there work closely with the DA to make sure people get charged and have to pay the courts money. He said if this had happened in my current county, that no lawyer at legal aid would've allowed me to go to jail OR have a charge. I won the case, but it didn't end there. While my charge is expunged, it's still showing up in some systems. I've been denied employment with Care.com, Door Dash, and Uber Eats. While it's illegal to deny employment based on a charge that's expunged, none of their customer service departments will allow me to speak with anyone regarding this. The lawyer says that this is a statewide issue they are having but they can't represent me, as this is a consumer law case. I don't have the money to do any of that. Once again, the vulnerable and poor suffer and do not have equal rights. I am an intern at a therapy clinic, but I can't do home health care, and I can't deliver people's food. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell I'm ever going to pull myself out of this slump, and how in the hell things are ever going to change. Society makes it SO incredibly different to not be the piece of shit they keep telling me I am.
Trump can gain respect and run for President with a felony and will likely serve no jail time. Funny, my uncle and I just had a conversation about the law, about how bias needs to remain out of the courtroom, and everyone should be treated equally. Yet, when I brought this up to him, his response was rude and he said that that's a different situation, and I shouldn't compare myself to a former President. (Systemic oppression?) But that's my point exactly. He has a felony and can run for President, be President, and even be President from a jail cell. But I can't deliver food to keep the lights on? That doesn't make any sense to me, at all. Again, I say this a lot, the law is not the law, it's full of biased opinions and heavily swayed by politics.
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