Diet Pills

In a tangled web of deceit and care

A mother’s actions heavy in the air

Diet pills given, a silent command

Suspicions whispered, hard to understand

Forbidden words, swallowed down in fear

Hurt and confusion drawing near

Material rewards masking the pain

Invisible scars leaving a stain

Seeking solace in a world unfair

Yearning for a mother’s love to repair

A fragile heart in turmoil’s grasp

Longing for peace within the mask

May patience guide you through the night

And hope restore your inner light

Though words unspoken, feelings deep

In your heart, the truth will keep

My mother provided me with diet pills. She consistently focused on my slight weight fluctuations, critiqued my food choices, and warned me about potentially becoming "fat" like her. She instructed me not to disclose to my doctors or anyone else that I was using diet pills. It wasn’t until later in life, when I requested my medical records, that I discovered she had informed my doctors of her suspicions of diet pill abuse. Multiple entries in my medical chart mention her alleged discovery of the pills in my room, whereas they were actually stored in her bedroom closet. Every morning, she would remind me not to forget to take the “special pills.”

As usual, I would receive rewards in the form of material items or money for keeping that information to myself. I was incentivized for every pound I lost and provided with better food choices. It is worth noting that I stood at 5’7 and weighed around 140 pounds until the age of eighteen, at which point I plummeted to just ninety-five pounds. That is when I was most “beautiful” to my mother. When I look back at pictures now, I see my cheekbones; a skeleton.

As an adult, my weight increased gradually until I underwent bariatric surgery last September. I reached a point of severe obesity and eventually developed diabetes. Reflecting on this journey, I have come to realize that my struggles with eating disorders stemmed from the toxic, critical, and abusive environment in which I was raised.