Desperation

In the depths of desperation, I turned a blind eye

To your drug use, a truth I couldn’t deny

Stuck in a cycle, joined you to keep the peace

With nowhere else to go, seeking release

The people you surrounded yourself with, a fearsome sight

Yet in their presence, you shone so bright

Sweet, loving, and caring, in those moments rare

I joined in, despite the shadows of despair

But never again will I compromise my soul

Bend my morals to fill a gaping hole

Not for you or anyone, a vow I make

In the light of truth, a stand I take

The allure of sweet moments, a fleeting grace

Masking the darkness, a tangled embrace

From this day forth, I choose my path

To uphold my values, to break free from wrath

My ex-fiancé loved cocaine. He hung out with some shady characters and all they did was drink and do drugs. The desperation and willingness to indulge comes from a deep place of needing to fill the void of love. All I’ve ever known was negativity, manipulation, lies, and bad behavior. It’s what I’ve been drawn to my entire life. Yes, I made bad choices. I’m not trying to blame everyone else for my problems. They are all dealing with problems too, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t’ or doesn’t affect me. Most people experiencing trauma, and that includes my ex-fiancé and my mother, don’t consciously make the choice to continue their behavior. It’s automatic, it’s learned, and they often don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong. We literally have prison up on prison full of people that don’t understand what they’ve done is wrong. My feelings are still valid. It still traumatized me and left me miserable and wanting to die for most of my life. I’m just working through it all.

#LiveAndLearn

#Grow

#Change