In the quiet veil of night, under the moon’s soft glow
Rest becomes a stranger, and sleep, a distant show
In the fathomless silence, wrapped in sheets so cold
I craft a world in my mind, where dreams dare to unfold
Each star a beacon of a life that I create
A world where love dwells, far from a harsher fate
The cradle of my thoughts, rocks me to sleep’s ledge
Not a fear in this realm, just a promise at the edge
With him, the night breathes heavier, a tempest swirls inside
Once a heart now shattered, in its pieces I confide
Each creek of the floorboards, a symphony of fear
His footsteps are a lullaby I’m burdened to hear
The pillow holds my secrets, soaked in silent weep
A fortress in the darkness, where I can hide and seep
Fragments of my spirit, that with the dawn I mourn
For in the light of morning, the illusion is torn
So, I carve out a shelter in the vastness of my mind
A haven sculpted from the hope I struggle to find
Islands of serenity amidst a sea of doubt
Where peace is the monarch, and pain is cast out
Within these dreamt up walls, I’m fierce and I am free
A boundless soul dancing, in silent reverie
Yet, morning always summons, with its unforgiving light
The return to a waking world, where dreams take their flight
And in the sorrow of the sun, cresting the days peak
Is the heavy heart of truth, that its his forgiveness I seek
For in the realm of the real, where my thoughts fear to tread
I’m chained to the echo of what was never said
But tonight, in the hush that only darkness brings
I’ll build that world again, where my broken spirit sings
Til’ slumber takes me willingly, or mornings light bereaves
I’ll live within my midnight dreams, and the tapestry it weaves
I learned too late in life not to tell my mother about my dreams. She would call me crazy and use my dreams as leverage as to why I'm, "Mentally ill." My dreams, they often started with me trying to fall asleep and imagine a different world. Our minds are fascinating. I had no idea I was doing this to protect my emotions and try to fall asleep. It was the only time I had peace. It's when my anxiety was at its lowest. I would dream of someone coming to save me, of a world where I was loved, hugged, and nurtured. I would fall asleep pretending my life was different, and maybe, I wouldn't have a nightmare that night. I typically knew what was reality and what wasn't.
With my ex-fiance, however, I would have to dream up so many fantasies and alternate realities, that I often found myself questioning reality. It felt like everyone and everything was working against me, and I had to imagine harder everyday, a different life. I would often wake up and have no idea where I was. I didn't want to believe that this was my reality. It was easier for my brain to believe that the crazy, nonsense dreams were the reality, because those fantasies were pleasant. I was again loved, hugged, and nurtured. There was often no distinction between what was real and what was not. I even used to say out loud to my ex-fiance, "Is this even real?" Decades of trauma buildup, on top of being so isolated and beat down both physically and mentally everyday, well, my brain had enough too. My brain could no longer protect me. This is where the suicidal thoughts became my new life. Living with him, was what brought those decade long thoughts to the head. This is how personality disorders are developed. Maybe you can look at them a little differently now. My brain was trying to protect me, and it created a personality disorder that people would rather judge, than feel guilty for not protecting me.
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