College

In a world of trials and triumph, I stand tall

A year has passed since I answered college’s final call

Challenges aplenty, obstacles in my way

Yet I conquered them all, come what may

But in the midst of my victory, I faced a different test

For her, my achievements were second-best

Concerns not with my journey or academic feats

But with my son’s scholarship, a different beat

Not a first-generation student, they said he was unworthy

A bias that stung, unfair, and earthy

But I, too, had trod that same path before

Yet she overlooked that, closing wisdom’s door

She didn’t see my dreams, my aspirations bright

Instead, veiled in doubt, she cast a shadow on my light

But heed this, world, and listen close

I’ll reach for the stars, no matter the morose

Today, as a psychology intern, a social work hopeful

I strive for excellence, my aims never doubtful

Watch me rise, watch me soar

I’ll show her and all – closed minds no more

For in the face of adversity, I’ve found my way

A beacon of hope, in the break of day

To those who doubt, who question my worth

I’ll prove them wrong; I’ll showcase my birth

A birth of dreams, of unyielding perseverance

Of grit and determination, a true adherence

So watch me now, as I pave my own road

A tale of triumph, in life’s grand ode

My mother called my grandpa, her father, to ask what level my degree was. She was pissed when she found out I received my bachelor's degree. That meant that my son, whom she's paying college for, could not receive a $20,000 first-generation college student scholarship. She said, "She's never going to do anything with it anyway. It's such a waste of her time and everyone's money and energy. She's never going to work and get a job and now I have to pay an extra $20,000 for (name removed)'s college. She's always ruining everything." She was always more worried about me being able to repay the loan, than to actually pay for my college, yet in return, would continue to tell me, and everyone else that I have no ambitions, and I'm going nowhere in life.

I received a 3.79 GPA. My need for excellent grades comes from never being good enough. I get anxiety when I see the grade getting close to an A-. Yet, I'm still not smart enough or motivated enough to be worthy of her money, which is why I'm currently buried in over $90,000 of student loans. In fact, I need to live off my stipend checks, adding to the cost and interest when it comes time to repay. She always told me that it's not worth going to school because I'll never be able to repay the loans anyway. I was an "idiot" for wanting to go to school. It was a "dumb" idea. But I was also an, "idiot" for not being successful. She always promised to pay for my college, but every time I asked, which was a few times, her response was, "It's not worth wasting my money. You're not going to make it. You're not smart enough." I remember asking her what she thinks I should go to school for, and her response was always something similar to, "Nothing. You'll never finish school." I remember my responses being something like, "You said you'd pay for my school, so I'm confused," and her response to that being something like, "Yeah, I told you I'd pay because I know I'll never have to." Every time I did achieve something, I was either manipulating or lying about how I achieved it. Yet, when I didn't work, didn't go to school, and had no direction in life, I was a "loser," for not doing anything with my life. Eventually, I learned to become who she wanted me to be; stupid, loser, lack of direction, a gossipy mean bitch, etc. That's when she was happiest with me. It was better than constantly being belittled for my dreams and aspirations, and being called such derogatory names.

I am a first-generation college student. To my knowledge, or what my mother has told me, my father never graduated high school. My mother never went to college. That, is not celebrated. That, is not taken into consideration. She only sees the money she "has" to spend for my son's college, but not that she was wrong about my intelligence, drive, and motivation to do something with my life.

But you know what? The joke's on her, and everyone else in that state that believes her manipulative and twisted lies. The joke's on them, for thinking I'm going to fail. Nothing is going to stop me from making a difference in this world. NOTHING is going to stop me from saving people from similar situations, and nothing is going to stop me from helping people find peace and happiness in their lives. I'm willing to live this stress filled and emotional lifestyle to change other's lives so they don't have to feel what I've felt my entire life. So, while my mother sits in her recliner, eating her food to drown her emotions, hating everyone in the world, and unable to look in the mirror, I will be moving forward. Continuing to find my happiness and create the life I deserve. :)

#College #CPTSD

#Worthy