Bipolar, an illness I never had
But they labeled me, and my life turned so bad
Lithium, a medication I didn’t need
Ruined my body, sowed the poisonous seed
They listened to her, but never to me
Caught in the web of doubt and scrutiny
They didn’t spot the signs that were plain to see
Just another profession manipulated by abuse, woe is me
My mind was a battleground, a war within
Struggling to break free from the chains, so thin
But no one seemed to understand my plight
Trapped in a world of darkness, devoid of light
I fought against the demons, day, and night
Hoping to find solace, hoping to make things right
But the stigma and the ignorance, they stung
As I battled against the tide, where my voice was sung
Bipolar, an illness I never knew
Lithium, a medication that left me so askew
But through it all, I refuse to be defined
By the labels and the misconceptions of my mind
I’ll rise above the judgment and the shame
And reclaim my power, my spirit aflame
For I am more than the battles I have fought
I am strong, resilient, and I refuse to be caught
In the web of ignorance and deceit
I will rise, I will conquer, and I won’t accept defeat
For I am not just a diagnosis, not just a name
I am a warrior, a survivor, and I’ll rise above the blame
I talk a lot about being diagnosed with bipolar when I was 15 and how it was a misdiagnosis. My mother still tells people, "She's lying. The doctors can't be wrong." Yet, at the same time, tell people that they were wrong about her medical stuff. I don't get it! Lol
But what this post is really about, is the damage doctors can do to their patients, whether malicious or not, consciously or subconsciously. Either way, in my case, it was complete bias. One doctor says one thing, and no doctor ever questions it. In fact, it happens way too often, that an individual needs to move out of their state to be heard. Which is exactly what I had to do.
My symptoms never got better, even on medication. My intense feelings never changed, even on medication. My mother will say they did, but really when was extremely doped up, I was more compliant to her wishes, because I was too tired, literally drooling and pissing myself at times from so much medication, that those are the times I didn't have the energy or will to argue with her, and mostly complied.
The bipolar diagnosis created problems not only within my medical care, but in my personal life, my school life, with my friends, partners, and everywhere it could. Every time I disagreed with someone, and not just my mother, I was off my meds. Every time I cried, I was off my meds. Every time I laughed or was happy, I was manic. When I spent too much money I was manic and impulsive, and couldn't possibly be doing what I was modeled... My risky sexual behavior was due to bipolar, but never possible that it was a symptoms of sexual abuse...
The lithium did nothing but dope me up and make me more depressed, zombie like, and feeling like a robot. That's when I was not capable of arguing or fighting, and that's the REAL reason I would stop taking it. I've pissed my pants at night because the high doses they had me on made me sleep through my urge to pee, after my son was born, so in my 20's! It ruined my kidneys and liver, messed with my brain chemistry and more.
Misdiagnosis do happen, all too often. In fact, bipolar was so overused in the 2000's, (And still is in my opinion) that a lot of us that were diagnoses have been undiagnosed, and re-diagnosed with things like BPD, Complex-PTSD, TRAUMA, DID, Autism, ADHD, AuDHD, etc. Turns out, we were all just being abused in sadistic and twisted ways, and our behaviors were explained through defiance and bipolar, rather than being saved from the hell we were living through.
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