Apologizing to Myself
- Hannah L
- Sep 6, 2024
- 3 min read
TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of self-harm, suicide, and strong emotions
Day Five
I’m deeply sorry to hear
About the pain you’ve experienced
In moments of darkness
Feeling alone and left to fend
To share your deepest struggles
Hoping for a friend
Yet met with silence
That seems to have no end
Seeking solace and understanding
Reaching out in despair
But finding no solace
In the hearts that seemed not to care
It hurts to feel abandoned
When you’re in such need
Left wondering if anyone
Will truly take heed
Remember, my love
That your worth is not defined
By the reactions of those
Who seem to have been blind
You’re strong, you’re brave
And you deserve love
Don’t let the actions of others
Your worth be love
There are those who will listen
Who will hold you near
Who will stand by your side
Through joy and tears
Reach out to those
Who truly see your light
For you deserve to feel loved
And your future bright
If you or anyone you know is struggling with self-harm, please reach out to the crisis text line. You can text #988, or you can follow this link.
I had two "friends" that knew of my behaviors. I told them several times that I wanted to die, that I was cutting myself, and they both knew of what was happening with my ex-fiancé and I. Neither one of them had much time or concern for me. I'm sure they were thinking it was, all for "attention." They didn't check on me. They never asked how I was, if I was feeling better, and if they didn't hear from me for a few days, they didn't think anything of it. Clearly, my ex-fiancé knew as well. So I had these three people, some of whom knew my exact plans. They knew I had plans to end my life, and knew just how bad things were. No one said a word. No one helped me. No one called anyone. No one gave a concern. So when I say I felt isolated and alone, I was. I'd been not just acting out subconsciously through my behaviors anymore, but openly telling everyone I wanted to die. This was LONG before I did anything bad to try and save my own life. (We will get to all that later) I was alone. I had no one, and everyone in my life kept giving me the message that they didn't care if I died. I had signed over custody of my son to save him from my nightmare, my mother wrote me off and didn't care if I lived or died, I had no one.
This poem is me apologizing to myself. Another form of parenting myself. I chose the wrong people to be in my life. It doesn't matter why or where I learned it from. I allowed people to treat me like such utter shit, begged them for help in a state of vulnerability and need, and realized I had no one but myself. This poem comes from a need for connection, but knowing that connection needs to be myself. If life has taught me one thing, it's that you cannot rely on anyone but yourself. Maybe this way of thinking is flawed, but that's been my experience. With all this said, tomorrow's blog post is about what I recollect from the night I tried to end my life. Stay tuned...
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