Anything for Mommy

I can't see the light

I don't want to see the light

I'm shrouded in rage

And the emotions within me are a storm

Fierce and wild, they leave me torn

I've lost my voice, it's drowned in the sea

Of tears and anger, consuming me

I don't want it back, I don't want to speak

Maybe I'll just conform, be what you seek

So you can tell them you were right

And I can have a mother, finally in sight

I'll sacrifice my true self, just to please

But deep down, I know I'll never find peace

For in the darkness, I'll always long

For the light that will guide me, make me strong

I may have lost my voice and my fight,

But the fire within me will continue to ignite

This poem delves into the twisted and manipulative dynamics that compelled me to constantly defend my mother's reputation and actions. Upon my return to my home state, I spent numerous hours in therapy expressing my belief that I was at fault and needed to change for my mother to acknowledge me. She made me feel responsible for her sacrifices, insisting she had given up everything for my benefit. Whenever my therapist questioned her behavior, I instinctively defended her, reminiscent of past incidents where she forcibly removed me from therapy sessions that challenged her actions. Subsequently, new therapists would replace the ones she dismissed, with my mother dominating the conversations.

This poem stems from a profound sense of disbelief that my upbringing was not normal, realizing that generational abuse was perpetuated by my mother and acknowledging her imperfections. Gradually, I came to understand that my actions mirrored hers, leading to harm inflicted on others based on what I had been taught. I cannot begin to recount the numerous occasions I took the blame for her, preserving her image and receiving lavish rewards, which painted me as a spoiled individual in the eyes of others. This pattern caused complications with healthcare providers, law enforcement, school, relationships, and beyond. Since childhood, I was groomed to be her scapegoat, shouldering the blame for everything that went awry, and regrettably, even I came to believe this narrative and furthermore, became the person she kept telling me I was.

#GenerationalTrauma

#CPTSD

#ComplexPTSD