In the shadow of success, a heavy weight
I second-guess, consumed by doubt’s cruel bait
Told I’m manipulating, lying about my climb
Drowning in accusations, a suffocating chime
The more I achieve, the angrier she grows
Her words like daggers, her disdain shows
Abuse rains down, a relentless storm
In the wake of success, a heart forlorn
Lying awake, night after night
Haunted by doubts, a relentless fight
Feeling like I’m going crazy, a mind in a haze
Questioning my worth, lost in the maze
Passion fuels me, a flame burning bright
Yet the shadows of doubt loom in the night
I shouldn’t be doing it all, the voices say
But my heart whispers, leading the way
In the turmoil of conflicting emotions, I stand
Balancing success with a trembling hand
May the passion within me, a guiding light
Lead me through the darkest night
I’ve written before about how I was groomed in my environment. When I succeeded, I was not praised, I was told I’m “Crazy” for thinking I could achieve something, and that I must be lying or cheating because I’m not capable. It’s never what the world heard her say about me. She would always say, “She has such potential, she just doesn’t use it.” Telling them I’m, “Wasting my talent, never finish projects, scattered, disorganized,” etc. When in reality, I couldn’t focus on anything due to her constant criticism, beratement and abuse. (Again, yes, this IS a form of abuse. Took me a while to believe it, myself) When I didn’t achieve something, I wasn’t given encouragement to try again. Instead, I was met with, “I told you it wouldn’t work. I told you that you couldn’t do it. Why even try if you know you won’t succeed? What makes you think you’re capable of that?” She would go as far as to call people and tell them all my mistakes too. She would tell them how she encourages me, look at me and say, “You know you’re capable, I don’t understand why you’re so lazy.” Yet, once that phone was put down, once no one was watching, I was once again met with beratement, abuse, unkindness, and mockery.
To this day, she still says those words, through the use of others. Claiming I’m lying, cheating, and manipulating. With the doctors who’ve given me the correct mental health diagnoses, with the federal judge who awarded my disability, in school – my grades are fantastic because I cheat, I got an internship at a psychology clinic because I manipulated them, I won’t succeed, I won’t make it, my entire life is fabricated by me. When in fact, my entire life, and hers, has been fabricated by her, and likely her mother, too.
I do lay awake at night and overthink everything. This website, (which is clearly not hurting anyone) sharing my feelings with my ex and being ghosted and rejected, getting such good grades in my graduate program, gaining the internship, losing weight, (and fast) and more. It bothers me at night to the point of it’s now been hours that I’m searching for reasons as to why I’m crazy. Yet, all that Dr. Google ever comes back with is anxiety, "Imposter Syndrome." Anxiety for succeeding, because again, I was groomed to believe I was crazy if I achieved something and rewarded for misbehaving and doing poorly. It’s when she loved me and cared, right?
I’ll get over it. It’s getting better every day, but I have my moments. Especially during times of high stress, like my friend, who just passed away unexpectedly. Sharing my life publicly will hopefully make a difference in someone else’s life. Maybe the next professional will behave differently when presented with a case like mine, and get their family some help, or remove the child for the sake of everyone’s health and safety.
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