Slut

In seventh grade, a mark upon my lip

A cold sore deemed evidence of sin

Echoes of “slut” off thoughtless tongues would slip

Herpes, they whispered, lies woven thin

High school brought aches and fever’s harsh embrace

A rash from strep, a body’s quiet plea

Yet rumors claimed a darker, crueler case

"HIV,” they taunted, marked again was I, not free

“Slut” they branded, though men sought my door

In shadows whispering their hollow want

Desperate for warmth, for feeling something more

I gave, misused, in loneliness I’d haunt

When “No” found strength within my weary heart

Rumors anew, a vile, twisted start

No label defines the essence true

In whispers, shadows, still, my spirit flew

When I was eleven, my mother and I moved from the Midwest to out west. We lived there for a year. When I was twelve, we moved back to the Midwest, but not the state I was born in. I was in sixth grade when I was eleven, and sixth grade was still elementary school. When we moved out west, sixth grade was middle school. That was a huge change for me, and an emotional mess. The state I would spend most of my life in, I moved to in the middle of seventh grade.

I got cold sores a lot, starting at a young age. Later in life, I would find out this was an autoimmune disease, but that aside... On my very first day, in the middle of seventh grade, in a brand new state, at a brand new school, once again being the new kid, I was teased and bullied for this cold sore. The kids would whisper about how I "Suck dick," and got herpes. In my freshman year of high school, I broke out in a rash from head to toe. It would take the doctors a very long time to figure out what was happening, and many misdiagnoses and gaslighting, but it was a form of psoriasis that is activated by strep throat. Not the antibiotic, but the strep virus itself. This rash looked terrible. I was labeled to have HIV, and called a slut, repeatedly.

That didn't stop the men, though. They knew my weakness. Looking back now, I realize they didn't believe it. Why would so many men want to sleep with a girl, and often unprotected, who had HIV? It's like they all secretly liked me, but no one wanted to admit it. Or they just knew I was "Easy." I've slept with fewer men as an adult, than I did as a teenager. So many men, seriously. Or, boys at that time, I guess. They would play me. They would pretend to want to date me, call me beautiful, make me smile, etc. They would sleep with me, go back to school and tell everyone all about it. Then everyone would start with the slut labels again. I spent my entire 4 years of high school being called a slut. Believing every man that said he liked me and didn't just want sex. But my mother told me men only want one thing, and, "Fucking a guy gets you a husband." I often wonder if any of them have daughters and ever think about the things they did and said to me, or if I'll always just be a slut to them; A girl they couldn't give two shits about. I guess I'll never know. I cannot expect people to reach out to me, as I would to them, to apologize.

#Slut

#Sex

#Used

Song is a bit vulgar. You may have to look up the lyrics to understand why it's here...