In the depths of longing, a heartache unfolds
A tale of unrequited love, a story untold
For 21 years, you’ve carried this flame
But doubts now whisper, casting shadows of blame
How do you come to terms with a love unreturned
When the one who holds your heart seems unconcerned
Questions linger, doubts arise, uncertainty seeps
Does their silence mean indifference runs deep?
You wonder if they feel the way you do
Or if your emotions are a one-sided view
Are they still shy, or has love passed them by?
These thoughts consume you, make your spirit sigh
You would love them in a heartbeat, if they asked
But the signs of reciprocity seem masked
Perhaps if not meant to be, fate’s gentle decree
To find the one who’ll never give up, you must see
Falling out of love is a journey, my dear
A process of healing, shedding every tear
It starts with acceptance, embracing the truth
That love can be elusive, even in our youth
Focus on self-discovery, on growth and renewal
Nurture your heart, let it mend and be fruitful
Seek the love that’s meant for you, patient and kind
The one who’ll cherish your heart, never leave you behind
Release the grip of unrequited love’s hold
Free yourself from the chains that make your heart cold
Open your soul to new possibilities, let them in
For the one who’s meant for you will soon begin
Remember, dear heart, that love’s path is unknown
But trust in the journey, even when you feel alone
In time, you’ll find the love that’s meant to be
The one who’ll stay, never giving up on thee
I still have a few poems left, quite a few, working through my emotions with my ex. I just have to say that I love Spotify and I love podcasts. The algorithm on Spotify is amazing. I'm listening to "Date Yourself Instead." The exact Podcast shared after my blabbering. I realized my ex put in zero effort. He "couldn't" think of a coffee shop to meet at. He "couldn't" think of anything to do after the zoo. And honestly? The conversation started dwindling long before we met up. I had this idea of him all these years. The idea of him when I was 17 and he was 19. The idea that this romance would come back. The idea that he could feel the same way about me again. Man, was I wrong. I've had several epiphanies about him over the last few weeks, but this podcast really did it for me. So, I will continue to share the old poems so that they're off my computer and I can work through my processing completely, but expect new, brighter poems about discovering my worth.
Today is his birthday. (Written 04/18/2024) That's why I chose this to be scheduled on this day. Here's the gist of what I realized... I'm worth more than that. I don't care anymore what happened in the past. I don't care if he was processing everything or if he thought I was crazy or whatever. What I care about, is that I thought he was this super decent person. A super decent, loving person couldn't ghost someone the way they did after sharing their feelings. A super decent person would've put more effort into meeting a person he spent countless hours reminiscing with. A super decent person, who still knows me and my behaviors, just wouldn't have played this out the way it did. This meeting meant so much to me. It was, "Open the door or close it" day, and after I voiced that to him, is when he ghosted me. I know he's got kids. I get that. But you know what? I've spent my entire adult life taking care of kids, trying to make up for my son's upbringing, trying to save kids from abuse and neglect. I mean crap, I'm a social work student! How to overcome autism, (his youngest has it) check. I have it, and I'm working through it. But even if that was the reason, I deserve better than that. It's easy to look up a coffee shop and there are thousands of restaurants. So, while he took the entire day off work, this was not that important to him. So why the reminiscing, the sweet memories of love? I don't know. Why tell me you miss me? I don't know. I do know that I deserve better. This chapter has finally been closed. So, you won't see much more explanation from the poems. I wanted it to be him, so badly, but I had a false idea of who he was in my head. I do hope that he finds happiness and am so thankful for all the experiences with him. He's taught me a lot. I'm so thankful he reached out. Now I might be able to go find my true soul mate. But by find, I mean not look, because this chapter is finally all about me. I have goals and dreams, and now that this chapter is closed, there's so much more space in my mind available to achieve my goals. And to think, I would've considered moving back to a state I feel completely traumatized in. A state I have to drive to a few times a year to work through the PTSD. The state where my ex-fiancé lives. Yeah, just me babbling, but hey, this is what happens when you grow up the way I did. That's what (name removed) is to me now, my first love, and nothing more. I don't tolerate ghosting or minimal effort from friends, so...
It's really too bad. We have so much in common; a love for pickles and squirrels, nostalgia, video games, and music, we are both extremely weird and love to laugh and joke. I guess that's not enough these days. Let me navigate myself, my instincts, and what I will and won't tolerate any longer. At least I can no longer say I will be closing the door on so many men because of false hope of it working out with someone who can leave a girl on not even read but delivered for almost a month after pouring her heart out. That's not okay. In all honesty, he likely reached out because he had just turned 40 and was feeling lonely. At least I won't be reaching out to him when I do in a little over a year. :)
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